“Without further ado, I give you,,, ‘The Chairman of The Board’ and ‘Our Founder.’ Mr. Thergood Winston III.”

The ‘Master of Ceremony’ deftly steps away from the podium microphone before causally strolling forward with his out-stretched arms, hands clapping and beckoning the very dapper, middle-aged gentleman seated at the center table to ascend the steps and join him on stage. On cue, the spot light operator spuriously scans the dinner tables before concentrating the beam on ‘The Table.’ The conductor, rises, taps his music stand and prompts the orchestra as strands of ‘Hail to the Chief’ begin to reverberate across a very large dining hall and the dinner guest rise in unison clapping. With an apologetic smile aimed towards the guests at ‘The Table’ Mr. Winston leans forward sliding his chair back before grabbing the dinner napkin with his right hand from his lap and casually wiping his lisps. Upon rising from his chair, it is revealed that Mr. and Mrs. Winston have been holding hands under the table and a practiced kiss is ‘lovingly” applied to Mrs. Winston’s waiting forehead before the napkin is casually discarded upon his dinner plate. Multiple flashes record the very moment that the Winston’s clasping hands break their hold, frozen in a Kodak moment that Michelangelo would envy or maybe litigate once it is featured on the cover of the next quarter’s catalog. The volume from the musicians is politely amplified as a reminder to Mr. Winston that there is a schedule to the evening’s program. Acquiescent hand shaking and subservient back slapping are quickly bestowed upon Mr. Winston as he navigates the standing dinner guests and temporarily empty chairs while approaching the stairs.

“I am warning you Randy, not tonight, I have seen that look in your eye before and tonight would be the wrong place; please, can you for once in your life, just behave?”

“I think he’s funny.”

“He is not funny; Randy here is drunk, very, very drunk. And frankly Ms. Browne I have come to the conclusion you have reached your limit too, give me your keys.”

“Did you hear that William, she thinks I’m funny? Hey, everyone my new boss thinks I am a very funny guy. If you think that was funny wait until you hear my Gary Owens imitation, you are old enough to remember Laugh In, “Mr. Winston presents a very disss…”

“Randy, stop,, for Christ’s sake, and Linda you have to stop encouraging him.”

“But, I can’t help it, I think he’s funny.”

“Funny, the Boss Lady said funny, ok Ms. Linda Browne I will now give you funny…”

“Mr. Winston presents a very distinguished figure, as he ascends the flight of steps in a shimming, silver hand tailored suite with cranberry dress shirt and a matching silk tie, all found on page 58 of this year’s Christmas Catalog, what do you think?.”  

“See he is really funny! Randy please don’t listen to William, I think you are funny and that, is… that! Hey everybody do you think Randy is funny?”

“First off, it is Holiday Catalog not Christmas Catalog. Second off, Randy you are stinking drunk and that is not a radio microphone you idiot, it is your scotch and soda. So take your hand away from your ear and behave, this is exactly why we are seated at fringe tables in the back of the ballroom every Christmas. I am warning you two, Corporate Big Brother is always watching even way back here in the ‘cheap seats’. Corporate Big Brother is watching All of his dinner ‘guests’ and your sarcasm will build a corporate glass ceiling that will squish us all like bugs onto a microscope slide. So will you PLEASE, put a sock in it?”

“You got that right… one big Corporate ‘BOTHER’ too, only tonight everyone is watching… and watching,,,  and watching. I really hate this part, can’t we just get directly to the Christmas…, I mean HOLIDAY Bonus and let us all retire to the NO HOST BAR! So we can replenish our beverages.”

“What are you two guys talking about?”

“Sorry, Boss Lady, but I am totally ‘smashed’ and I forgot this is your first ‘Corporate Function’ here at T. Winston INKKKaw!”

“Randy, I do not know about you but I have a family and I really need this Holiday Bonus! For that matter almost everyone not seated at THE TABLE needs their Holiday Bonus. That is why the T. Winston INKKKKaw Holiday Party enjoys 100% participation. For Christ’s sake this is the only time each year that Mr. W is forced…”

“God bless Mrs. Winston! And God bless her HOLIDAY, there I said it right, PARTY too!”

“As I was saying, forced to dig deep into the company’s coffers and give back to the little people that made it all happen this past year. Randy, I am telling you working at T. Winston this next year will be pure hell for anyone that spoils this Holiday Bonus for us. This year we are on the edge and everyone, and I do mean everyone in our department will be pissed if we lose our bonus two years in a row. So will you PLEASE, just button it?”

“Hey you two, what do you mean ‘lose our bonuses’ and can I take your referencing ‘two years in a row’ to mean that last year’s Holiday Bonuses were cancelled.”

“Correct-o-mondo! You are a very quick study Boss Lady, and I like you for that. I mean that too and this is not just the booze talking. I say that from the bottom… Hey, my glass is empty again. Where did that waitress go? We need another round over here!”

“See William he is funny.”

“Randy, shut up! I really mean it too! Sit your ass down and Shut the… just, shut up. I have had it with you and I want it quite until my Holiday Bonus envelope is in my hand. There are people here tonight that have booked Christmas flights home on credit cards and really need this money to cover the costs. I know this because I am one of them. I am a desperate man, so back off.”

“Boss Lady I hope it has come to your attention just how sexy our ‘Sweet William’ is when he is focused. And if what I think has transpired has actually transpired, he had better be focused. Because if our poor ‘Billy the Kid” here, has pur-chased more pl-ane tickets with pl-astic and can’t p-ay the balance due before his wife… that would be spelled with a capital ‘W,’ gets the statement she will foc-us, ALL up.”

“Randolph, loose lips, sink ships, ZIP IT”

“Randy, please take a seat and get me up to speed on the Holiday Bonus history because I was really counting on my Holiday envelope too.” 

“Yes, Sir, Boss Lady” delivered with a smart ass military salute.

“Mr. Randolph, may I have your Summary Abstract, if you please!” fingers snapping for effect.

“Ok Boss Lady, you asked for it, and I will make the short stor… long, just for you… and I really mean that too.”  

It was at the very moment when Mr. Winston’s foot touched the first step that the orchestra’s musical selection morphed into “Here comes Santa Claus,” but it would take two more steps by Mr. Winston, a pregnant pause just to sell the ‘spontaneity’ of the moment, and a slow-motion head pivot towards the Orchestra Pit before the applause from the standing gallery of dinner guests was gradually and uncomfortably quelled into a defining silence. Very awkward eye contact was made between the alarmed Conductor and an extremely sober-looking Mr. Winston. Without losing eye contact with Mr. Winston the Conductor tapped upon his music stand for his musicians’ attention as the droplets of nervous perspiration slid passed his temple and down his blushing red cheek. Then franticly pumping his arm his musicians clumsily altered the composition into “Gerry Owen.” As this new tune filled the prickly silence a slow smile matured upon the Founder’s face, igniting an explosion of laughter and applause from the stunned and silent dinner guests as the corporate theme song preceded Mr. Winston to the podium and the relieved guests reclaimed their seats. 

“Ok, now you can have seat, too. Right here on ‘Father Christmas’… I mean Holiday… Doc Holiday’s lap. God, I am funny when I am plastered. And I will tell you THE STORY, the whole STORY and nothing but THE STORY.”

“Stop that Randy and please behave. This is still a ‘corporate function’ and I do not want my department the main subject of conversation on Monday morning at the water cooler.”

“Are you being a ‘Bad Little Girl? Because, Doctor Hollandaise Sauced, is making his list and is checking it twice.”

“I will be just fine seated in this chair, right here next to you, thank you. Now tell me THE STORY.”

“Ok, ‘In those days Caesar Augustus published a decree ordering a census…”

“Randy, not that story!”

“For Christ’s sake, can’t I get the straight scoop here, Guys?” 

“Randy seems to suffer from Alzheimers this evening. I guess I will just tell The Story.”

“I don’t care who spills the beans, I just want to hear THE STORY!”

“Speaking as your Chief Operation Officer I can say, so far this evening, as a corporate family, we have shared our fellowship. Also this evening, as a corporate family, we have shared nourishment and now again, as a corporate family, we will share our bounty.” The whole assembly responds with enthusiastic applause and without direction the musicians chime in with their improvised rendition of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow.’ “As the majority stock holder at T. Winston INC it is my pleasure to present and without any further delay… Maestro if you please.” As cued, the orchestra conductor stirs his band into a classical rendition of “Oh Christmas Tree’ as an elaborately lighted, 18 foot Douglas Fur Christmas Tree decorated with Holiday Bonus envelopes is slowly lower from the ceiling and onto the vacant dance floor drawing favorable awes and vigorous applause from the seat guests. “At T. Winston INC we thank each and everyone in our corporate family.”

“And ever since that first ‘Lady Godiva-inspired display by our own Mrs. Winston, the “Off Our Back’ charity event has become an expected company tradition with a different Department Head, picked at random,  each year duplicating Mrs. Winston’s exotic gesture to inspire all the assembled venders, that hope to continue their association with T. Winston INKaw, into obscenely over bidding on each erotically displayed appeal item, thus earning the lucky and ‘generous” vender the depraved opportunity to personally acquire custody of their newly purchased garment directly from the body of our ever accommodating Department Head/Charity Model.”

“You have got to be kidding?”

“If you believe him to be disingenuous, go ask Harriett Johansen.”

“Who is Harriett Johansen?”

“Ms. Johansen was our boss before they hired you.”

“You will find that Mr. and Mrs. Winston take their ‘Off Our Back’ Charity very seriously.”

”Are you guys telling me that Harriett Johansen was fired by T. Winston INC for refusing to strip in stage? That is outrageous and the NLRB should be called in to investigate such action!”

“We never said that.”

“Then what happened to her?”

“I will tell you if you would stop interrupting. Last year Harriett has selected as the charity model and halfway through the auction she balked and refused to continue. Mrs. Winston stepped to the microphone politely thanked Mrs. Johansen and then for poor Harriett’s own personal safety, had her escorted out of the building, after explaining to those assembled that the charity’s short fall would be made up by having all of the Holiday Bonus money reallocated into the Shirt Off Our Back Project Trust Fund.”

“Sadly, before Harriett Johansen got to work the next day the entire T. Winston Easter Catalog had been deleted from the main frame computer. It seems the employees here at T. Winston INKaw take their Holiday Bonus checks even more seriously than the Winston’s care about their charity.”

“The unfortunate loss of the next quarter’s catalog information fell directly into Harriett’s scope of responsibility and she was dismissed that afternoon.”

“Dammed.”

“No, Dammed straight! Tonight all of the T. Winston the employees expect to find that tree over there just as naked as the Department Head on stage.”

“As Corporate Founder it is my great honor to launch this year’s ‘Shirt Off Our Back’ charity auction by welcoming our Charity Model to the stage. Could I have a very warm, and I am sure before this night is over she will need it, welcome for Linda Browne.”

“Oh My God!” Linda slowly pushed her chair away from the table and stood up with a very sheepish smile across her lips. “Well, ‘Gentlemen,’ I guess here goes everything. Wish me luck.” Resigned to her fate, Linda lifted her head high and then placing one foot in front of the other walked hesitantly towards her providence. The spotlight operator quickly engulfed the timid and very drunk charity model, lighting her way and all of her abundant attributes as she approached the stage. The orchestra provided their subtle commentary concerning the size of Ms. Browne’s bust as they played Mel Torme’s “The Christmas Song’ while Linda threaded her way among the various tables, climbed the stairs to the stage and was directed to a festively decorated auction block.

“Look at that ass! I wish I had a swing like that in my back yard. Dammed, this is going to be a great night!

“What a wonderful life!”

“She sure is a real looker, how old do you think she is?”

“Thirty-something, I would guess.”

“No way, just look at that sweet piece stepping onto the stage and into corporate legend.  She is blonde, got a big chest, a small waist and an ass to die for. I got a twenty dollar bill that says she is not a day over 29.”

“Sir, that is a bet and I got another twenty that says her tits are riding in a ‘C’ cup.”

“You are on!”

“Dammed that ass is nice, cheers, partner. The Boss took the hook, the line and the sinker so get your net ready in a very short time we will have this tuna in the boat! And that will be two hundred and fifty dollars the Shipping Department owes us. Slap me five!”

“They don’t owe us anything yet. The deal was 250 if we got her on stage AND out of her dress, then triple for a view of Linda in her birthday suit and then an even thousand for bush. Believe me, that little Princess up there could fold her tent at any second.”

“William, I’m feeling a little guilty. She looks frightened to death standing up there on that stage and I am thinking this could be over the top, even for us.”

“That is a bunch of crap! You want to see that sweet little thing naked just as badly as I do. But you are right she does look scared. When the ‘Old Man’ called her name I thought she was going to swallow her tongue and chock to death”

“I guess you’re right, I must be getting maudlin with age. ‘On my command, unleash hell!’ Did you remember to bring the opera glasses, Mr. Bill? ”

“I’ve got those babies right here in the breast pocket of my jacket. What the hell was that ‘Easter Catalog bullshit?”

“I call that ‘inspired improvisational acting.’ Why? It worked didn’t it. There must be some thespian DNA in my genes.”

“I don’t what to hear about what is going on in your jeans. It is show time, Folks!

“First up for auction this evening is an absolutely stunning, evening gown of European design.  This dress is just absolutely GORGEOUS! It is created from a soft black stretch fabric and hangs beautifully! The dress is a halter style with a perfect fit! The bust section is padded and presents in an extremely flattering cut with a line of shiny beads accenting the bodice!! The skirt gathers to one side beautifully with an attention grasping side slit. The dress is lined throughout. All hems are finished to a high standard.  An utterly flattering dress!! The length of the garment from the top of the shoulder is 54” and has a built-in necklace around the collar. This fabric offers a little bit of stretch to it but tonight, thanks to our very lovely model, the gown is presented without distortion. As you can see the elastic material perfectly follows the body’s shape with the newest and the hottest look from Europe. This item is of exceptional quality and is a brand new addition to our collection which can be found on page 7 of the T. Winston Holiday Catalog. Step out in style this Holiday season in this sexy, form fitting evening dress. Now what is my opening bid for this perfect little black dress!!! Can we start the bidding at Ten I said TEN. I have ten, do I hear eleven, eleven I now have eleven thousand dollars  do I hear… I have 20, now 21, now 35. I have 35 thousand. Thirty-five thousand once, Thirty-five thousand twice, it is thirty-five thousand, SOLD, to McNickels Accounting.”

“Looks like Jerry may have drawn the short straw this year, lucky bastard.”

“Quick get those glasses, out. I want to see that ‘attention grasping side slit’ that he is talking about and did he say that her ‘utterlies’ are out and about all ready?”

“Oh, ya, I almost forgot what perverted voyeurs we are, here we go… ta-da, the opera glasses.”

“Hurry up, you can use those glasses and give me an up close and personal, verbal play-by-play. She still seems very composed from this distance.”

“I don’t know Randy, she might be wavering a bit, and her lower lip has developed a tremor as our Jerry is reaching the auction block. Mr. McNickels is in fine form this evening as I have observed a definite bulge at his crotch area indicating he has been taken by Ms Browne’s feminine charms. He has assumed a very aggressive position behind her and is releasing the chocker from around her neck. Her eyes are fluttering, this could be just some nervousness on her part or it might be the start of tears, very hard to tell at this juncture. The halter top of the dress has left her chest, revealing some under clothing, a demi-cup bustier! Jerry has moved his attention lower and is now attacking the defenseless zipper at her waist and there seems to be a one way conversation taking place at Linda’s ear. She is smiling, I repeat Linda, is, smiling. The dress has released from her body and ever so slowly is sliding from her shapely hips, down along her legs displaying even more under garments and a scandalous view of the lady’s stockings, the little black dress has landed. Houston… the Shipping Department has a problem.”

“No shit, a two hundred and fifty dollar problem, give me a high five my Man! Now hand over those glasses. Hello there, Linda Browne! Dammed look at those muscular legs and they go all the way up to her little round ass. God, I love the Holidays.”

“Next on our program, for your consideration is this exquisitely feminine high waist chiffon tap pants with lettuce edged hems and a delicate satin flower with pearl falls design. The tempting garment measures at the waist 24 inches relaxed and 36 inches stretched, the length is 17 inches from top of waist to hem, including lace. This alluring intimate appeal is a Chinese import and is a truly exceptional item, employing silk that shimmers so very subtly when the light hits it, pleated both front and back and up into sexy points where it meets the lace at the hips. These are so elegant and beautiful you almost forget how incredibly revealing they are! They close with tiny mother-of-pearl buttons in the back if you want to be a tad more modest. The winning bidder will find this fabric just slips away beneath your fingers when you try to fold it! This exquisite piece of lingerie worthy of the finest trousseau can be found on page 22 of the T. Winston Holiday Catalog. Now who is the Secret Santa that will start the biding on this item? I will ask for an opening bid of 22 thousand dollars for this charming piece of Lingerie. 22 do I hear 5, 25, 26, 27, Thirty-three thank you very much, 7 do I hear 7, 38, 39 41 I have 41 on the floor, 41 once, 41 twice 41 three times and sold to Lorenzo Garcia of Independent Security Systems. Sir the item is yours.

“William these glasses are great, they bring the action close enough I believe I can almost smell the little lady’s perfume as Mr. Garcia is cautiously approaching the unprotected prey, stalking his exposed quarry very slowly. I can see our sweet Linda is just standing there, fidgeting a bit under the intense scrutiny of the hunter’s stare, and even sniffing into the wind, as she can sense the imminent peril and her complete venerability.”

“I love it when you talk dirty!”

“Mr. Garcia is a deliberate and very patient hunter, slowly eye balling our new boss up and down and up again. Speaking of up again, I can tell you with certainty Mr. Garcia finds the view to his liking. This intense scrutiny has forced some minor costume adjustments by our suddenly modest charity model and more nervous squirming.”

“What is her problem; she is still covered with more fabric than she would wear on a public beach, for Christ’s sake?”

“Cut her some slack, Billy, the Boss is about to lose her knickers. Ms. Browne can twist and squirm all she wants to. I personally happen to be enjoying Linda’s current dilemma and I will assume from the evil smile on Mr. Garcia’s face my opinion is being shared by others in attendance tonight.”

“Ok, ok, ok get back to the hunt. What is Mr. Garcia up to now?”

“Seems the Mongoose has cast his spell, the prey has stopped her twitching and closed her eyes, grudgingly resigned to her fate. Mr. Garcia is facing his submissive victim, extending his left arm towards Linda’s face and startling her as he ever so slowly brushes her left cheek with the back of his index finger. Her sightless surprise is confirmation with a coquettish smile and a head tilt from our Boss.”

“We have a smile.”

“The finger travels slowly from the cheek, down her neck, along the naked shoulder and bare arm as Mr. Garcia confidently steps behind his spellbound prey. There is an intimate verbal exchange as his breath teasingly dances upon the lady’s neck. This guy is good, real good!”

“Ya, I’m a fan too but is the ‘misdirection’ working/”

“Seems to be, so far, his left hand is traveling from Linda’s arm to her waistband and the other hand is attempting a mirror image approach on her opposite flank. It is truly an honor to watch a master in action.”

“I like to watch.”

“Wait, there could be trouble, both of his hands are continuing to travel south away from the waistband.”

“What?”

“Yes, those naughty hands are going lower and grasping the hem of the garment.”

“What about Linda?”

“Her eyes are still closed and the faint smile is still there. She has no clue. This guy is really, really good. There he goes as ever so slowly, Mr. Garcia begins his decent. Bending at his knees, still grasping the panty hems and kissing our gullible Linda along her exposed back bone, the lower he slumps, the lower the panties slide. BINGO, her eyes are wide open now and her knickers are at her ankles. I am impressed!”

“Details Randy, we need more details.”

“Sorry, Linda is blushing while she steady’s her balance by using the kneeling Mr. Garcia as support so she is able to step from the garment around her ankles. Mr. Garcia rises triumphantly with tap pants in hand and waving them victoriously to the multitude. This guy is my hero!”

“Focus Randy, focus, can you please tell me more about the girl.”

“Oops, I digress; Linda is now attired in a fetching strapless corset with garters, thigh high stockings and Oh my God! Could it be? I believe so, yep, I spy a thong!

“There is a God! And she must be a lesbian.”

“Next item appearing on our action block tonight is a charming pair of back-seamed silk stockings. These sexy and beautiful thigh-high stockings with lacy tops are ideal for both daytime and dress-up, featuring a Lycra contrasting top and Cuban heel. The wide top bands attach safely to conventional garter clasps while clinging to every curve achieving a sleek fit and flawlessly refined impression. For that glamorous retro look of sheer silk stockings, T. Winston is offering this chic alternative to tights on page 37 of the T. Winston Holiday Catalog. Now what is my bid for this naughty stocking stuffer? Can we start at 75, I said 75, that is 75 thousand dollars. Please there must be one among you willing to offer 75. Need I remind everyone this for charity… a T. Winston Charity event. I have 75 thank you very much. 75 once, twice, three times the item goes to the law firm of Smithe, Smithe and Morris, ladies collect your item.”

“Ladies, did he say ladies? Hand me those spectacles.”

“I feel a tremor in the force Ben Obi-wan Kenobi.”

“Dammed, it is Anita Morris.”

“Yoda think, bring trouble, this one, is!”

“I sure did not see that coming. “

“You know this is your fault. Why did you have to use the ’L’ word? How is Linda taking this bit of shocking news?”

“So far she appears ok with girl-girl thing. Our lovely Ms. Browne seemed to be a bit indecisive at first but she has gathered her poise while warming to the idea of this unforeseen occasion. This little lady is a real Storm Trooper, stiff upper lip and all that. Please mark her down for a field promotion, will you Lieutenant Skywalker?”

“Careful Jedi, her training is not yet complete; we could still lose this one over to the Dark Side.”

“The ladies are talking”               

“Do you mean, ‘the ladies’, as in Anita and our sweet Linda?”

“Yes that is exactly what is going on! This could be game, set and match, folks. Both of the girls are still talking to each other and now everyone is looking off stage. Have I ever told you how much I hate Lawyers? Shit, I am afraid Ms. Browne might be throwing in the towel. No wait, a stage hand has delivered a step stool and Linda is placing her left foot up on the stool displaying her leg for us all to see. Very slowly and deliberately Linda is unclasping first the front then the back garter. Now from the top of the stocking and using both of her hands the sheer stocking is pushed down that long expanse of her shapely leg. Bending at the waist and with a full extension stretch, of her arms, Ms. Browne is just able to remove the crumpled hosiery from her downward pointing foot. Anita is now gesturing with an out stretched hand obviously demanding her newly purchased item. Linda nods her head obediently, then holding the crimpled stocking at the toe unfurls the silk fabric and drapes it across Anita’s forearm. Good show ladies!”

“Linda has two legs give me those glasses I want to watch the second act with my own two eyes.”

“Up for bidding at this time is a very high quality authentic boning corset, demi-cup bustier fully lined with 100% sexy satin featuring back lacing with a steel clasping front bust closure and detachable garters. This inspirational corset has 14 steel bones, 10 spiral steel bones and 4 rigid steel bones around the grommets for reinforcement allowing tighter bi-directional back lacing that cinches inches off the waistline and offering a 3” wide back panel lacing guard. The garment fabric is machine washable and assured to maintain a soft and supple lambskin feel. As displayed for us tonight this design style lifts and supports the bust, draws in the waist and flattens the tummy. Our lovely item measures; 16 3/4” armpit to armpit, approximately 8” from top of under wire pushup breast cups to bottom of bustier, with a 20” total length and can be found on page 42 of the T. Winston Holiday Catalog. So what will my opening offer be for this fabulous and unique vintage foundation garment? We are asking for an opening bid of 65 thousand, 65… we are starting this item at 65 thousand dollars… surly 65 thousand dollar is a very modest expenditure for an opportunity to take this item off of our charity model’s… aww… ‘hands.’ 65, thank sir, I now have a bid of 65 thousand, 65 once, 65 twice, Sold at 65 thousand to Leister Insurance.

“My friend, in sport as in life, options dictates opportunity and tonight our sorted affair has arrived at the precipice of decision for ‘Miss. Browne.’ Alas,, is it, nobler to over come one’s conservative modesty and allow the corset to take fight or will our timid Linda,,, prefer to terminate her association with T. Winston INKaw and run like a prissy little bitch. That, my dear friend, is the question.”

“You can say that again, that would be the FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR question.”

“And the horns of our dilemma,, here Randy, you take the glasses and describe the spectacle and I will get more drinks.”

“Ok, as Linda said earlier this evening, ‘here goes everything…’ Dirty old Simon Leister has mounted the stage and is indicating his intention to approach Ms. Browne and the closet from behind. Of course, Linda is having none of that. She prefers all his superfluous activities to be strictly monitored. Apparently there are to be no sneaky back door deals for Mr. Simon tonight. The tense negotiations continue with defiant head shaking from Linda. Simon seems to be holding his ground and refusing to back down. He is persistently pointing toward the rear of the stage. Linda is defiantly shaking her head. Simon is leisurely, yet very stubbornly drawing circles in the air with a down turned index finger. Linda’s head shaking is slowing to a stop, dejectedly her chin drops and a pouting lower lip has come into sight. Without taking her eyes off of Simon Leister Ms. Browne guardedly turns, pivoting her head to keep over her shoulder eye contact with the lecherous Mr. Leister, as that deliciously naked ass comes into view.”

“Give me those glasses… hand them over, I completely forgot about the thong!”

“No way, man… this is a very delicate and dangerous operation here and should only be attempted by trained experts and remember kids, NEVER try this at home.”

“You mean ‘trained perverts.”

“Sticks and stones can…, HOLY SHIT… tan lines, I just love tan lines.”

“We are boldly going where the sun has never been before. Scotty I what warp speed now, Chekov give me full magnification, ‘Bones,’ report to the stage for a deep cavity search and Uhura open a can of beer for me, please. Spock,Spock,tell me what do you think?”

“Captain, I think Linda has a nicer ass than seven of nine and you should take a chill pill, sir.”

“Scotty, Spock has beamed into a parallel television series can we get him back?”

“Screw you, I’m telling you Seven of Nine has a great ass and I am staying right here with Captain Janeway and Tuvok”

“And that reminds me, so does Linda. Get back to work!”

“It seems Mr. Leister is wasting no time and still under the ever watchful eye of Ms. Browne has applied himself to unlacing the corset from the bottom towards the top. You know, this is pretty hot stuff and I will never casually tie my shoes again.”

“Remember Randy, stay focused on the task at hand or you will lose your spectacle privileges. Now, can you return to describing that sweet ass, if you please?”

“In a very dramatic fashion,, Wall-la,Simon has pulled the lacing from the garment and is displaying it at arms length, matador style, as he defiantly turns his back towards Ms. Browne’s naked dorsal view and walks away, Ernest Hemingway would be so proud.”

“Focus Randy Focus”

“Sorry, I got caught up in the moment... There are more ‘air-circles’ from Mr. Leister encouraging our hesitant Linda to face him. From over her shoulder she offers big ‘doe eyes’ and another pouting lower lip. But unfortunately for Ms. Browne, tonight there will be no last second call from the governor and the sentence will be carried out. Linda is rotating into view with her arms crisscrossed over her chest and holding the bustier in place. Simon is now snapping his fingers indicating to Linda the garment must be forfeited. Using one arm to deliver the corset and her other arm for modesty the exchange is made, promptly eliciting applause from the admiring gallery… I don’t know about you William, but I’m flabbergasted, personally I never would have thought just one arm could provide adequate coverage for both of those great big ta-ta’s, it somehow seems to defy all the laws of physics and logic.”

“May I have your attention please, may I,, have your attention,, please! The last, and for sure,, the least, of our sale items this evening is an adorable low rise satin thong.” This announcement is interrupted with loud applause and cat whistles. “I can not speak for Victoria,, but I can confidently say, once tonight’s bidding is closed on this particular item, Ms. Linda Browne will have shared a very personal secret with all of us,” Laughter comes erupting from the gallery, “Can I begin the bidding at a,, excuse the pun, a modest 100 thousand dollars, I said 100, do I hear 100… I am sure it is pointless to remind everyone that some of the biggest surprises can be found within the smallest packaging. There, thank you, I have a bid of 100 thousand dollars, 100 Once, 100 twice 100 it is, this item has been purchased by our own, and very generous… Mr. Thergood Winston III.”

“This should make the next Departmental Staff Meeting awkward.”

“You bet-ja”

“Well Randy we are in the home stretch and coming to the wire, neck to neck.”

“Did you say naked to naked? Quick give me the glasses.”

“No, No, No, I got this one… And they’re off! Mr. Winston presents a fatherly figure as he simply holds out the palm of his hand in commanding fashion towards the desperately exposed minion standing before him. Linda on the other hand has assumed her crisscrossed defensive stance clad in only one article of micro-wear. Defeated and painfully aware of her nakedness Linda’s chin drops to her chest as she gazes upon the last vestige of satin confidentiality at her crotch. I am currently able to observe some movement of her moderately concealed breasts as her breathing quickens. Mr. Winston seems to be providing verbal encouragement to our wavering boss as her realization is complete and the defeat is unconditional, Ms. Browne must now disrobe. Ever so gradually, both of her hands reluctantly desert Linda’s upper body and slowly wander towards her cache below. With her ‘white meat’ now uncovered the nipples are betraying the unpredictably chilly stage temperature. Captured in the harshly intense spotlight that is illuminating stage center, our lovely Linda has taken a classic artist’s pose, with both of her hands shyly covering her privacy. The right hand has bravely volunteered to remove her undergarment while the left hand gallantly accepts assignment to modesty control. Linda must bend from both the hips and the knees as the lingerie slides toward the ground. Ms Browne bashfully makes eye contact with her corporate superior before stepping warily from the satin cloth around her ankles and timidly places them into Mr. W’s waiting upturned palm...”

“If you could somehow squeeze a dead lady, on a wagon, into this narrative, the untrained ear might confuse this description for a Faulkner forgery.”

“You are an asshole, Randy, a real asshole, totally void of any sympathy for your boss’s predicament and that is why we get along so famously.”

“I don’t care about any of that, can you just give me those spectacles I want to see Linda’s nipples. This could be my only chance… Dammed, those babies could almost cut glass. Now if I am not mistaken Ms. Browne is officially wearing her birthday suit and we will now collect seven hundred and fifty dollars from our very good friends in the Shipping Department.”

The conductor taps his music stand as his band commences to play ‘The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

“Oh that’s cute.”

“What is, Randy”

“Mr. ‘W’ is using the thong, as a Drosselmeyer eye patch, and formally offering to escort ‘Clara’-Slash- Our Boss’ over to the stage hand holding a toasty warm bathrobe at stage right. And Linda is thoughtfully accepting! Her left hand is leaving her crotch and settling on Mr. Winston’s forearm. I do believe Linda has been formally trained. The right hand has liltingly arched up to shoulder height position in a ballerina style pose, exposing her…”

“Pussy?”

“Her SHAVED pussy, the bush has left the building”

“Shit, there goes our trifecta.”

“Maybe not, but I am sure there will be an Inquiry before those guys in Shipping pay up. This sucks, we should not be penalized because Ms. Browne owns and obviously uses a Lady Wet/Dry Battery Operated Shaver with grooming brush and popup trimmer found on page 69 of the Holiday Catalog. We’re going to fight this!”

“Hey, where is Anita Morris when we need her… and what about our Linda?”

“Oh, she is all wrapped up snug in her ‘kerchief” ready for a long winters sleep, ‘The Shirt Off Our Backs’ show is over for this year.”

“The management at T. Winston INC would like to thank all of the very charitable venders for their generous contributions to ‘The Shirt Off Our Back Charity Project’ and also a special recognition and thank you to ‘Downtown’ Linda Browne, from the Cat Box Follies and Adult Review for providing this year’s very lovely charity model. Thergood and Winifred Winston wish everyone a joyous Holiday and ask you to please drive home safety.”

“William! Randolph! We need to Talk!”

And the laughing dinner guests heard them exclaim, as they ducked out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”