DOMO - DOwnwardly MObile
by Randolph O. Mann

Olivia sobbed, “Linda, I just want to fall off the face of the world.”

“I know that feeling.”

“And I really hate Randy!”

“I know that feeling, too.”

“Linda, we need to talk!”

“Oh Boy, do I know that feeling. Just go ahead ‘girl friend’, get whatever it is off your chest.”

“Linda! As you can see, I already did that.”

“Sorry Olivia, my bad, the timing of that last remark was very unfortunate. Please, just start at the very beginning and talk me though this whole terrible adventure. But first, could you remove that re-breathing mask and try to stop crying? Here Olivia, use my handkerchief.”

“Thank you, Linda.”

“Second, you can borrow my overcoat because we cannot have a pretty girl like you bouncing about the T. Winston, INC campuses in her birthday suit.”

“Thank you, Linda.”

“And third, now that you seem to have gained control over your emotions, the two of us will slowly stroll back to my office while you explain how a world renown T. Winston, INC fashion celebrity came to be sitting upon the yellow commercial zone curbing surrounding our South Campus loading dock, weeping into a charcoal filtered Hepa-Particle Mask while exposed to the world totally naked except for a pair of very expensive, waterlogged cowboy boots? Now blow your nose and bare your soul, oops, I mean...anyway, you know what I mean, just tell me the whole story from the very beginning, and I want to hear everyyyything!”

“Well, it all started just before the morning coffee break. That's when all hell broke loose. I was in a world of my own, hectically sorting through the wardrobe assignments for today’s production and fearing these rattlesnake-skin cowboy boots would be a challenging accessory item to coordinate. Then two firemen wearing powder blue contamination HAZ-MAT suits burst into the wardrobe changing area, handed me this HEPA Respirator Mask, and at the top of their lungs ordered me to properly align it over my mouth and nose before I contaminated the other women in the dressing room. Then without any delay I was escorted to a nearby window and the Evacuation Team picked me up and threw me out.”

“Didn’t you object or question the firefighters?

“No. Should I have? I didn’t have time to think of anything except how I did not want to die!”

“Of course Olivia, nobody should ever foolishly acquiesce to authority figures. I always demand to see credentials and I carefully review them from top to bottom while dedicating special attention to the small print. It is my policy to stand-up to authority figures and make them accountable.”

“You also ended up featured on the Evening News handcuffed and very naked.”

“Never mind about that. Just carry on with the debriefing because I need to identify exactly how you ended up street-side with your lollipop on display.”

“That is owing to a very ill-timed wardrobe malfunction.”

“If as you implied earlier Randy is involved, AND if I know Randy even half as well as I think I do, any wardrobe malfunction would not only be meticulously orchestrated but also designed to net him a substantial portion of this month’s Shipping Departments payroll.”

“Linda, I have no idea what Randy got out of my two story tumble, but I do know each and every one of the accumulated co-workers gathered around my drop-zone were gifted to an eyeful of my funny bits as I plummeted into that waiting rescue net.

"As I remember, it was after the firefighters had locked their arms behind the small of my back and had lifted me up off the second level floorboards by grabbing handsfull of my back-stage cover-up that my troubles began. It was later explained to me by Firefighter Lauda...You must remember her Linda, because she went out of her way to ask about you.”


“Anyway, Firefighter Lauda explained during the mopping up phase, how the rescue crew had inadvertently ‘forgot’ to let go of the hem of my makeup-gown as they dropped me toward the waiting safety net two floors below. I felt the robe slowly turn inside out as I reluctantly slipped out the bottom opening of my cosmetic cover-up. I felt my ‘turn-up’ sliding along the backside of my thighs as my body slowly tumbled out of the southern opening in my housecoat. Next to come into sight were the silk panties covering my derrière as I felt my body slithering into the great beyond. I began grasping at anything and everything that might stop my descent, but my fingers came up empty, apart from taking hold of each cuff located at the end of the sleeves of my beauty-smock. If anything, this hapless maneuver only accelerated my downward plunge. My frantic kicking and fidgeting combined with my very slender figure did not seem to slow matters one bit as both of my bosoms joined the public exhibition when my vestment inverted pulling my slip and both of my arms over head exposing my matching Wonder Bra as the cosmetic negligee held fast hooding my shoulders and head while briefly blindfolding me as I dangled helplessly in midair. That lasted only seconds before both of my shoulder blades and head escaped from the confining mantle. My arms and my hands were the final body parts to appear in public as I fell earthward from the reversed beautician’s cape clad in only my expression of total bewilderment, a matching three-piece undergarment collection, and a pair of very pricey Rocketbuster boots. I tumbled kicking and screaming towards what I assumed to be the end of my very promising modeling career.”

“Oh my God, this is bad!”

“What is, Linda?”

“Olivia, just take a second and mull over the dreadful camera angles that will be appearing on the fashion blogs and later gracing industry magazine covers that are sold daily from the news racks around the world. Olivia, you are about to experience your ‘fifteen minutes of fame’ that Mr. Warhol promised all of us, and I predict that T. Winston, INC will spend the next week or two as the laughing stock of the fashion industry and ‘lucky’ Linda Browne will receive her pink slip due to the negative exposure from this, this ‘fashion malfunction!”

“Linda, your guess is as good as mine, because the shock of my impromptu freefall and the associated sudden stop left me a bit dazed. So keeping my knees together was definitely a ‘back-burner’ item for me. Everything was happening so fast, but I do vaguely recall how I was continually and unceremoniously tossed about by the Emergency Evacuation Squad holding the rescue canopy. So you must be right. As a member of this fashion industry’s A-List, it seems I cannot even exit a limousine without providing the whole world regrettable ‘Kodak Moments’, courtesy of the local media.”

“I am not only getting fired, I may never work in the fashion industry again!”

“Linda, I am so sorry, but I was so scared. I was not thinking of anything, except how surprised I was to still be alive and not on my way to the hospital morgue. The idea of discreetly shielding my ‘bungalow’ never entered my mind.”

“Oh honey, ‘nobody’ is blaming you, dear. Quite the opposite. Olivia, the culpability for your publicity and my impending sacking will fall directly upon the shoulders of my ‘trusted’ person Friday because I am sure when all is said and done we will find Randolph is the architect that engineered this payroll downsizing.”

“Linda, I feel so bad.”

“Olivia, playing the blame game will not save my job. Honey, what I need is to hear the particulars contributing to my fall from grace in the garment Industry."

“So, once the ‘Rescuer Ranger Wantabes’ holding the safety net that I fell into tired of their perverted game of heads or tails, I was allowed to pull down my slip to present a more reserved look. Then I was wrapped in a disposable silver space blanket and rushed directly back here near the Shipping Department loading docks, to a newly constructed makeshift HAZ-MAT Isolation Station. Where it was explained how this curbside area had been hastily cordoned off with caution tape, to protect the assembled members of Shipping Department and a few of the nosy employees from the Sales and Merchandising Division gathered on the loading dock from any unnecessary exposure once the HAZ-MAT Mobile-Shredder was engaged.”

“Rest assured Olivia, the only ‘unnecessary exposure’ will entail the Shipping Department’s sizable gaming capital for revealing your privacy in this public venue. Here you go honey, use this handkerchief to blow your nose with.”

“Thank you, Linda.

“Go ahead, Olivia. Finish your assessment of this unfortunate event.”

“Then the Firemen stripped away the disposable space blanket by flinging it into the teeth of the emergency shredder. That reduced the blanket into tiny metal flotsam and jetsam in the blink of an eye. After seeing that, I knew for sure I was going to die. Next a rotund Latino gentleman in an orange vest-”

“I believe that would be Lupe, our landscaping foreman.”

“Yes, the Firefighter actually did call him ‘Lupe,’ but at the time, I thought they were implying he was just a bit crazy.”

"No Olivia, I am pretty sure you have just identified the whole South Campus landscaping crew as co-conspirators in this disturbing escapade, and that ‘emergency shredder’ is most likely their heavy duty commercial wood chipper. What happened next, dear?”

“Well, Lupe turned a garden hose on me.”


“The firefighters ordered him to wet me down.”

“Who did?”

“The two firefighters did, after talking to Randy.”

“I knew it! Randy! I really hate Randy!”

“I already said that!”

“I know Olivia, but every time any really good looking female T. Winston, INC employee is overtly separated from her clothing Randolph Mann usually can be found near at hand to catch an eyeful before collecting his chancy monetary bonanza. Go on, what happened next.”

“They turned on the floodlights.”


“They turned on a bank of portable floodlights.”

“Who did?”

“The firefighters did, but only after talking to Randy.”


“I was told the powerful lighting would expose any discernible toxins.”

“I am afraid the only ‘discernable expose’ concerns your ‘intimate parts’, honey. Because I can imagine that after Lupe sprinkled you down and once those lights came on with you centrally located in the beams from that spotlight, your lovely tid-bits became the primary attraction in this theater of the deranged. I promise you Olivia, Randy will pay dearly or this bullshh-!”

“Linda, it only got worse! Once Lupe hosed me down and the firefighters flipped the switch turning on floodlights, the remnants of my outfit became transparent. Linda it was awful, I was dripping wet and totally exposed with only two hands attempting to hide my three private areas that were in desperate need of censorship. I found myself performing and very sexy solo version of the Macarena. That is when Randy recommended Lupe fire up his blower to air dry my garments before I catch my death.”


“That is exactly what I said. So the observant firefighters explained how hypothermia was life threatening and...”

“Didn’t you demand to see...“

“Linda, Firefighter Lauda was in charge, and you have already experienced what it is like to question her authority. So to answer your question, No, I did not demand anything. All I did was try to cover my nipples once the air from the leaf-blower turned them rock hard.”

“Oh my God! That sounds uncomfortable.”

“Linda, it only got worse, once the pruning shears arrived.”


“Firefighter Lauda ordered the remainder of my underwear pared back until all I had on was my personal gooseflesh, a gas -mask and these water filled rattlesnake cowboy boots. Firefighter Lauda had the scraps of my remaining garments collected and tossed into the rotating teeth of the mobile shredder, joining the space blanket in the compost silo trailer. Firefighter Lauda complemented the shape and appearance of my barge with a sharp slap before she and her evacuation team were called away as a backup engine for what turned out to be a false alarm across campus. Once the ‘All-Clear’ sounded the assemblage of male coworkers heartily congratulated Randy and handed over each of their shares of the gambling obligation and returned to their assigned work stations. Lupe and the landscaping crew quickly patrolled the vicinity, clearing the caution tape prior to repositioning across campus. Linda, it was amazing to watch. In a matter of only a few short minutes the whole South Campus was operating like nothing had happened. It was business-as-usual, except I had been abandoned as a naked derelict under my own recognizance and expected to cowgirl-up. I swear Linda, if these Rocket Busters weren’t filled to the brim with recycled gray-water I seriously would question the veracity of my short-term memory."

“Olivia, enough is enough! Get the ‘Ladies’ together for a ‘butter-boat’ powwow.”


“So I can plot our revenge. We need to talk!

The End