by Randolph O. Mann
“Good Morning, Randolph.”
“Aw, good morning Ms. Browne, damn, you startled me, as I did not hear you approaching from behind like that.”
“That could be due to your intense concentration upon this unusual project of yours.”
“Yes, I must apologize for my bad manners, as presently I am exclusively engaged in the application of our most challenging gambit to date. Excuse me one second, Boss.”
Randy spoke into a microphone next to a video monitor displaying a naked young woman."Thank you, aw, Tiffany, for your full LHSI cooperation. At this time you may get dressed and return to your workstation, having completed the fitness inspection. A notation of your voluntary cooperation with this very important mutual wellness program will be included in your employee file and on behalf of all of your corporate sisters here at T. Winston INC I wish to express their sincere gratitude for your altruistic gesture. NEXT!”
“Randy, this is truly amazing! If I had not seen this with my own two eyes I would not have believed such an achievement would be possible. All morning I have watched dozens of young women walking down the hall past my office before entering the side door to the Merchandising Viewing Gallery’s demonstration arena. Finally my curiosity got the better of me and I too made the journey down the hall to investigate. Imagine my surprise, upon opening the door and entering this auditorium, to find a German Shepard, about half a dozen totally naked female coworkers, and you, my own trusted assistant, wearing a white lab coat and conducting a psychedelic light show. The volume of questions that are racing into my head at this moment has created data transfer congestion beyond my capacity to absorb. So I have decided to compose myself and allow my trusted assistant an opportunity to clarify my puzzlement, before I kick his ASS!”
“Gladly, Ms. Browne. Where shall I begin?”
“Randolph, you could start by explaining who is responsible for allowing you on campus after I signed your Extended Medical Leave Form last week!"
“Oh, that would be your good friend from Human Resources Karen Pettybone’s idea. It seems she is still working past some of her personal resentment issues related to the dentist appointment the two of you endured earlier this year. Excuse me one second, Ms. Browne.
"Deborah, now that you are completely nude I invite you to step into the examination circle, please. I must ask you to assume a standing position with your ankles and knees pressed together, and, if you would, place each of your palms firmly against the corresponding hip while pointing your elbows dorsally. I will also need you to arch your back before bending five to ten degrees forward from your waist, please. You will be required to slowly rotate your body in a clockwise direction with each illuminating flash. ENGAGE PROCESS!”
“This whole scheme is Karen’s idea?”
“Logically, the accountability would travel back to Ms. Pettybone’s desk, as it is her signature that got this whole project started, I am afraid.”
“I am afraid too and very lost. Randy? Please fill in the blanks for me.”
“After I made my obligatory confirmation telephone call from Sun Valley to my supervisor, explaining to you the unfortunate events causing my regrettable snow blindness, an Extended Medical Leave Form was generated. This form quickly made its way over to the Human Resource Department, eventually coming to the attention of Karen Pettybone. After reading my name at the top of the form Karen summarily made the connection between her disagreeable dentist’s visit and me. Immediately she made a long distance telephone call to my hotel room in Sun Valley with piercing inquiries about my affliction. After a lengthy conversation Karen expressed her opinion that my condition was most likely contrived just to extend my skiing vacation at company expense and in no way would it preclude me from accepting light duty assignments. Karen then solicited my suggestions into the availability of appropriate projects that could be found within our department. So I put forward my thoughts pertaining to a hypothesis that I identified as 'Luminosity Health Screening Inspection'. Evidently, Ms. Pettybone got the misguided notion this spurious project had fallen far behind schedule and this delay was becoming very difficult for our department head to explain. In support of her good friend, Linda Browne, Ms. Pettybone signed off on the LHSI endeavor and ordered me to return on the next flight at company expense to implement the plan. Excuse me one second, Boss.
"Thank you, Deborah, for your full LHSI cooperation. At this time you may get dressed and return to your workstation, having completed the fitness inspection, a notation of your voluntary cooperation with this very important mutual wellness program will be included in your employee file, and on behalf of all of your corporate sisters here at T. Winston INC I wish to express their sincere gratitude for your altruistic gesture. Deborah, I must notify you that this auxiliary analysis has suggested, as a precaution, that at your next visit with your personal physician you should insist upon a detailed mammogram. NEXT!”
“Randy, mammograms are very uncomfortable and you should think twice before offering medical advice without certification or proper credentials.”
“I know, and Deborah should think twice before taking my parking spot! Now where was I? Oh yes, the Luminosity Health Screening Inspection. This ‘sting’ almost played itself and Karen was such a big help. And the first patient, I might add.”
“Karen Pettybone, my best friend, was displayed nude in this fashion?”
“Oh ya! And I discovered she also owns a membership to The Sun Also Rises Tanning Salon too. I can show you the tape of her exam to prove it.”
“Randy, I am getting that sinking feeling again. Please tell me this story has a ‘and-Linda-Browne-lived-happily-ever-after’ ending to it.”
“Relax boss, I have got a plan, and does one hundred and fifty Benjamin’s sound ‘happily-ever-after’ enough for you?”
“I am listening.”
“Well, I arrived back to work at T. Winston INC as ordered and presented my doctor’s excuse appropriately signed by my skiing buddy, Dr. Lansford. But not before I stopped by to visit my cousin Stephanie. She has been breeding, raising and training guide dogs for over ten years now with the 4-H Club. I explained my situation about how unreasonable Karen was being to me concerning my one and only skiing vacation this year and how I had been saving and saving for this trip. So cousin Stephanie agreed with me this was very paltry on Karen’s part and gladly loaned me that dog over there, this cane, and a handle-harness to sell the snow blindness angle. Cousin Stephanie was a true blessing and I really owe her a dinner for all her trouble. So when I finally stumbled into Ms. Pettybone’s office bright and early Monday morning, Karen was made to feel like the real bitch she is and, excuse me one second, Ms. Browne.
"Heather, now that you are completely nude I will invite you to step into the examination circle, please. I must ask you to assume a standing position with your ankles and knees pressed together, if you would place each of your palms firmly against the corresponding hip while pointing your elbows dorsally and I will also need you to arch your back before bending five to ten degrees forward from your waist, please. You will be required to slowly rotate your body in a clockwise direction with each illuminating flash, ENGAGE PROCESS!”
“ And upon seeing my ‘handicapped’ condition and the obvious difficulty I went through getting back from Idaho, Ms. Pettybone felt, and I quote, ‘just terrible about the whole ordeal I put you through, Randy.’ Thus perceiving Karen’s remorseful condition as vulnerable I could not believe my good fortune or resist the opportunity for retribution and promptly enlisted Ms. Pettybone to facilitate the speedy implication of the spurious mandatory Luminosity Health Screening Inspections, LHSI for short, and to imply a legitimacy to my bogus institution.
“And that worked?”
"Oh ya, like a charm! I now had the guilt ridden Karen Pettybone wrapped around my little finger. Karen felt so bad she not only secured this private area, she also had maintenance set up this whole room and she even volunteered to be the first patient that started the ‘lemmings’, I mean her co-workers, over the cliff.”
“Karen is going to feel so bad about her culpability in this sordid affair.”
“I know, and that just might be the best part of the whole sting.”
“Randy you have used the word ‘sting’ and referenced fifteen thousand dollars, where are we going with this?”
“Shhhhh! Pipe down for Christ’s sake and I will explain! The Shipping and Receiving Department are about to begin negotiations with Uncle Thurgood, so when Karen graciously offered her assistance setting up this wonderful place I was freed up to make a quick call to William at the South Campus where the Union expressed their interest in making the purchase of naked photographs of Human Resources Department Heads if they ever became available. This interest came with an initial offer of ten grand that was quickly negotiated up, due to the very short turn around time required.”
“Randy, you...I...aaa, WE, can not do this! T. Winston INC would have a fit and both, no all three of our jobs! No way Randy, I can not allow you do this, there is just no way this scheme can happen. This has to stop right now!”
“Ok. if that’s the way you want it. They’re your legs! I will call the Teamster Shop Steward, that would be William, at the South Campus loading dock, right now and tell him that my boss, Linda Browne, has stopped the photo-shoot and the Teamsters will not be getting their compromising pictures in time to effect their labor negotiations. Then tomorrow with my Starbuck’s coffee I will receive a fish wrapped in the morning newspaper, informing me that Linda Browne sleeps with the fishes.”
“Oh my God, Oh my god, Oh My God, I, I, Oh My God.”
“Relax Linda, just sit down, take a moment and compose yourself, excuse me one second, Boss.
Thank you, aw, Heather, for your full LHSI cooperation. At this time you may get dressed and return to your workstation having completed the fitness inspection, a notation of your voluntary cooperation with this very important mutual wellness program will be included in your employee file and on behalf of all of your corporate sisters here at T. Winston INC I wish to express their sincere gratitude for your altruistic gesture. NEXT!”
“Ok, ok, ok I am calm.”
“Here is Plan B. I finish taking all the pictures, then together we explain to Karen the serious nature of her involvement in this situation and the importance of maintaining the image of legitimacy for LHSI. I then email the ‘unfortunate’ pictures to William and the Teamsters and we will leave it to Lorenzo Garcia at Independent Security Systems to establish how the ‘unfortunate’ photos were taken by an anonymous detective agency so you and Karen can keep your jobs and also keep your mouths shut. Then I will collect my well earned Teamster bribe while submissive Karen Pettybone has Katherine Webster transferred to the South Campus Shipping and Receiving Department and Edith Webster reassigned to Lorenzo Garcia at Independent Security Systems for the duration of their summer intern program as a ocular thank you to the cooperating parties. The labor negotiations we leave in the capable hands of the Union and T. Winston INC, excuse me one second, Boss.
Gail, now that you are completely nude I will invite you to step into the examination circle, please. I must ask you to assume a standing position with your ankles and knees pressed together, if you would place each of your palms firmly against the corresponding hip while pointing your elbows dorsally and I will also need you to arch your back before bending five to ten degrees forward from your waist, please. You will be required to slowly rotate your body in a clockwise direction with each illuminating flash, ENGAGE PROCESS!”
Linda sighed, “It is difficult comprehend, without eye witnessing this operation in action, how these naked women could unquestioningly follow the poor example of the previous co-worker into such a compromising arrangement. I find the credulity of my gender as unbounded. I can not decide if I should admire such feminine innocence or scold their stupidity.”
“Oh Linda, Linda, Linda,, let us not be hasty to blame the women, we should place the culpability where it rightfully belongs, upon society in general. As a civilization we have developed into a culture with a predisposition towards senseless profiling and these ladies have fallen victim to the cumulative effect created by a multiplicity of assumptions. If these girls were presented with a German Shepard wearing a leather handle-harness, a white walking stick, very dark sun glasses, or a man wearing a lab coat independently, these items would be disregarded as normal and most likely go unnoticed, but encountered collectively within the confines of a medical setting the women can be excused for falling victim of the ‘White Coat Effect’ and drawing erroneous conclusions. So can I have your permission to implement plan B?
“Oh sure, your plan B is fine, anything that will not involve finding dead race horses in bed with me. EeeOooou! What is that smell?”
“Oh no! Bad doggie, BAD DOG! Sorry, I thought this mutt was house-broken, I will have to call maintenance AND my cousin. We Need To Talk!”