Analysis Paralysis
by Randolph O. Mann
The Triage Marshal spoke into his bullhorn, “Could I please have all of today’s Emergency Preparedness Rehearsal participant’s attention! I have an official announcement to deliver. First off, I would like to thank each of the T. Winston, INC employees for your assistance with this year’s Civic Preparedness Program. Next, I am happy to disclose the local public broadcasting channel has requested to have a film crew embedded among the HAZMAT Firefighting Unit, and they will recording all of today’s activities. As such, Anita Morris with the Law Firm of Smithe, Smithe and Morris, acting for the T. Winston, INC Legal Department, is requiring this verbal codicil to be publicized. It should be considered an addition to the signed release forms and copies of all valid identification documents that have already been collected from each volunteer, indicating all participants are of legal age and are willing participants in this training exercise. So, at this point in today’s drills I would ask any volunteer having second thoughts about this undertaking to please step away from this group and return to the North Campus Parking Area, as once the mission is initiated the firefighters have been ordered to react in accordance with the full emergency response and protocol until the all clear is broadcast over the radio I control. Anyone choosing to remain part of today’s drills must understand that for the duration of this Triage Evacuation Exercise all volunteers still assembled in this group will be assumed to have been exposed to an unknown substance and considered a threat to the public health until the contamination processing has been verified. Now may I have all tainted ambulatory personal please follow Firefighter Lauda, who will be in command of the simulated evacuation.”
Firefighter Lauda had her own bullhorn, and it now issued a burst of profanity remarkable for it's originality and obscenity. “###%~!@*!!###. Attention all HAZMAT fire personnel! The ‘Fowl’ have flown the coop! Repeat, the ‘Fowl’ have flown the coop! ###%~!@*!!###”
Firefighter Lauda continued. "###%~!@*!!### Listen up! All ambulatory individuals! Position your HAZMAT particle face masks firmly in place over your nose and mouth and follow me in an orderly fashion to the Isolation Tent.”
After some of the usual delay and confusion the volunteers assembled by the Isolation Tent. “Listen up! Could I have everyone’s attention, please? My name is Firefighter Anne-Sue Lauda and I command this pavilion! Each contaminated victim will now isolate their shoes and socks by placing those tainted personal items inside the smaller of your two HAZMAT specimen bags, and then that bag must receive a heat seal before your Isolation Tent ingress can be sanctioned. Once you have gained right-of-entry i need to sort this ‘Court’ by gender. So as you enter the pavilion I want all ‘Flyers’ to the left and ‘Boomers’ to the right of the modesty drape!”
Courtney was confused. “What is she talking about?”
Firefighter Lauda elaborated. I said, ‘Boxes’ left and ‘Packages’ right, move it!”
Courtney wailed, “I still don't get it!”
Linda explained, “Girls to the left. Courtney, just follow me.”
Firefighter Lauda said, “Could I have everyone’s attention, please? Once inside the Pavilion you will disrobe and use the larger HAZMAT specimen bag to store the remainder of your personal garments. Then you will find the sanitation showers that are located in the center section of the Pavilion. Everyone must double check the color indicator zip-lock seals of their larger HAZMAT specimen bag to insure that your the garments have been properly isolated before advancing in a timely manner into the total immersion area.”
Linda muttered, “Anne Sue Lauda, Anne, Sue, Ann-Sue, EnSue. Lauda, Law-da, AnSueLawDa. Ensulada!
Perpetually puzzled Courtney asked, “What?”
“This is total bullshit! There is obviously something very rotten in Denmark!”
“What are you talking about Linda? This is a Pavilion, not Denmark, Firefighter Lauda was very clear about that.”
“There is something very fishy about this whole HAZMAT Evacuation. I can smell it."
“I don't smell anything. Linda, I don't know, Firefighter Lauda seems very serious to me.”
“No! I can see Mr. Randy’s fingerprints all over this little enterprise. And I intend to get to the bottom of this right now!”
“I don't think that is such a good idea, Linda.”
“Courtney, don't you get it? Firefighter Ensulada! Duh ? She identified herself as Ensulada?”
“Get what, Linda?”
“Ensulada is the alias that Randy always uses in his shenanigans.”
"Shenanigans? Linda, what are talking about? Do you think this a trick?”
“Hello? Don’t you get it? They have all the men on one side of this tent! AND all the women on the other! Courtney, I am afraid this is just another of Randolph’s perverted monkeyshines to expose the female employees and this time I have caught him red-handed! AND! I am going to put a stop to this right now!”
“Wait Linda! I don’t think Firefighter Lauda is ok with this!”
“Excuse me, Firefighter Ensulada! We need to talk! This drill has to be stopped! And I must ask everyone in the Pavilion to keep his or her clothes on. As a member of the Executive Staff I must..."
Firefighter Lauda ignored Linda. She shouted, “%~!@*!!###. Alert! Repeat Alert! Secure the isolation tent portals! Repeat, secure ALL isolation tent portals! %~!@*!!###."
Linda exclaimed, “There will be no need for that, Ann-Sue-Lauda, as I will be taking over here!”
“%~!@*!!###, Alert! Repeat Alert! A Maverick is loose! Repeat, a Maverick is loose! %~!@*!!###.”
Linda tried again to assert herself. “Honey, you need to understand that my name is Linda Browne and I am a member of the T. Winston, INC Executive Staff and I must ask you to transfer control of this event to me! As from this moment on I will be call all the ‘shots’ in this tent!"
" Alert! Secure the Boomer Population! Repeat, secure the Boomer Population! %~!@*!!###."
Linda shouted, “I want all T. Winston, INC employees to stop where you are. Do I make that clear? No Employee Is To Remove Any Of Their Clothes!”
The Triage Marshal shouted, “ Copy that, the Boomers have stepped down! Repeat, the Boomers have stepped down!"
Firefighter Lauda responded, “%~!@*### Alert! Secure excess Flyer Population! Repeat, secure excess Flyer Population! %~!@*!!###.”
Linda tried again. “I need you to get out of my way Firefighter Ensulada, and I would like a word with your direct supervisor!”
Firefighter Lauda ordered, “%~!@*### Alert! Take down the Maverick! Repeat, take down the Maverick! %~!@*!!###.”
Three firefighters rushed Linda Browne. The first firefighter to arrive, Anne-Sue Lauda, applied an open field tackle, impacting the tail bone of Linda, locking both arms around Linda’s thighs and firmly grasping her own right wrist with the fingers of her left hand before aggressively driving Ms. Browne face down onto the floor of the Isolation Tent. The second firefighter to arrive on scene took control of Ms. Browne’s arms by griping Linda’s wrists and extending Ms. Browne’s arms directly over her head. The third and final Firefighter arrived and gained control of Ms. Browne’s flailing legs with firm downward pressure applied upon Linda’s ankles, pinning them to the tent floor.
Linda cried, “Ouch! Stop that! What are you doing? Hey! I said stop!”
Firefighter Anne-Sue Lauda quickly assumed a kneeling position to Ms. Browne’s right side before locating the pair of bandage shears stored in the thigh-high pocket of her trousers. Then starting along Ms. Browne’s right pant leg, she are employed the shears, cutting a direct straight line starting at the cuff and continuing until she reached Linda’s blouse collar. Firefighter Lauda cleverly guided the lower round-tipped blade of the bandage shears beneath Linda’s pink panties and also under both starboard straps of her complementing brassiere. Then she used the shears to make two cuts along both sleeves from collar to wrist , catching the top larboard bra-tie in the process.
Linda screamed, “OH my God! What are you doing? Stop at once!”
Two firefighters grabbed Linda's wrists and pulled them down and behind her back, where Firefighter Anne-Sue Lauda secured them with plastic restraints. The tussle associated with the tethering of Ms. Browne allowed her novel ‘southern expose’ to be revealed as Linda’s defensive gyrations forced open this latest dorsal fashion malfunction, allowing her firm round bottom to come fully into the line-of-sight of one and all.
Firefighter Lauda directed, “Ok, Firefighters, here goes everything. Help her up! On three! One, two, three!”
Effortlessly, the muscular firefighters transported Linda into a standing position, with all her clothing left behind in tatters upon the Isolation Tent Floor. Linda found herself completely nude and secured in such a way that regaining any form of modesty was impossible. Desperately, Linda crossed her legs hoping to hide her hirsute wealth, but Linda’s breasts would have to be left upon unfettered exhibit. Linda found herself securely shackled, and exposed with all her vulnerable naked glory on display before an assemblage of her ‘Tainted Ambulatory’ co-workers and the local public broadcasting channel’s viewing audience.
On that evening's broadcast the Civic Preparedness Program film, starring Linda Browne, was the featured story, and the news anchor closed with, “Those of us here at PBC News would like to leave you with that image of your local property tax money at work. Thank you for watching this evening. Stay safe, and good night.”