Chapter 13

She seemed pissed at me and I felt guilty.  It was then I realized that she hadn't been able to say or even hum the safe word.  The gag was too effective.

Suzi saw that I felt horrible at the way this had turned out as I carried her to the water trough and gently placed her into its cool reviving water.  I washed her sweat and cow shit stained body and rinsed her hair with the cold tap.  The poor girl was nearly blue when I pulled her out.

I held her in my arms and carried her up to the hayloft where I'd laid out a sleeping bag and some food.   The flask of chocolate was quickly opened and I striped off my clothes and lay in the double sleeping bag alongside her as she sipped the hot sugary brew.  The dogs sensed her coldness and huddled alongside her.

I got up to turn the lights off and then we cuddled in with Suzi whispering in my ear, "Just because somebody charges you a lot of money for something, that doesn't make it good for us."

Yes indeed, she was well and truly pissed. I kissed her neck and pulled her close.  She drifted off into a deep sleep as I lay awake worrying about the love in my arms and wondering if I'd hurt her too much. Morning, and I awoke to a hug from Suzi.  It seemed that she'd recovered a little as she snuggled into my body.  The dogs had disappeared but they weren't far away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Paul, I have to tell you that I was miserable last night in that metal cage.  Please don't ever use it on me again unless it's as a punishment.  It's not fun and it's not sexy.  It only hurt me.  I still ache from where those steel dildos were inside of me and I still feel stretched and swollen.  I know that those people at the shop took measurements, but they were wrong!  It was more than I could take and still have pleasure."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I felt guilty that as her master I let myself get carried away by my desire to give her what she wanted and for my enjoyment of the whole situation.  "I'm so sorry, babes.  I love you, but you have to realize mastership is new to me."

She replied, "I love you too.  But right now, I need some time to lick my wounds and to heal."

We dressed and as Suzi was too sore for anything, I put all the gear back in the car and we went home for breakfast.  The rest of the day was spent doing nothing.  Suzi seemed to want to be alone, so I tried to stay out of her way.  She wore loose-fitting sweat pants and sweatshirt all day long.

Suzi prepared an evening meal of soup and a sandwich.  And then we actually had a normal type evening watching TV and eating chocolate.  I think we both needed it just to show we could.

I caught Suzi looking in the bathroom mirror at the welts on her bottom and the bruising all over her body from the steel bands.  "Penny for your thoughts?" I asked as she noticed me looking.

"I'm an ugly mess," was her sad-faced reply.  "And I still hurt so badly down there.  We really messed up yesterday."

Shit. That was how I felt.  A total shit.   I had probably destroyed the one love that I had ever found.  When you fear loss it makes you think.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I knew that I was also responsible for the terrible shape my body was in; after all, Paul had only been doing what he thought I wanted.  I couldn't stay mad at him forever, because I was partly to blame as well.  And anyway, he looked so vulnerable because of his guilty feelings.

Putting another baggy sweat suit over my sore, bruised body, I climbed into Paul's bed and moved way over to the far side.  I hurt too much to want any contact.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suzi's move to the other side of the bed hurt me; admittedly not as much as I hurt her, but the lack of contact from someone who seemed to crave the touch of skin was enough.  I curled up and lay in my own misery and finally slept a disturbed sleep.

Suzi turned over and kissed me.  It was morning and the dogs had just bounced on the bed.  She laughed at Ben's attempts to get under the covers.  She ran her hand up my thigh and gripped me.

"Can I give you a hand job?" She asked, and I obliged her with relief.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I brought Paul to a big climax quickly.  This time I thought back to the one I'd given him on board the ship, and I smiled as I remembered him tossing the filled hanky into the trash.

I still couldn't have sex with him because of the pain I was feeling, but at least I could let him know of my love in this way.  I hoped he understood.  Once he was basking in the afterglow, I spoke again.   "Paul, we have to talk."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was now totally confused.  It looked like she was about to dump me but has just wanked me off.  Was it to soften the blow?  God, I wish I knew.  I didn't want to be dumped in the house so I asked her if we could talk later.  She nodded but insisted, "Paul we need to talk."

I cooked breakfast for us both: bacon, eggs, toast and tea, hearty food for what I felt would be a shit day; the day when Suzi went home due to my incompetence.  My feelings for her were so hard to describe.  I knew what I felt but would she believe it?

"Come on, I need to talk somewhere that is not here," I told her as I locked the door and put the dogs in the barn.  I actually felt that Ben wouldn't forgive me either if Suzi left.  Deciding to muster my forces I took us off to a local beauty spot called Aysgarth Falls.  Its waters were supposed to have healing powers.  Deep down, being a country lad, you get to believe in myths.  Suzi sat looking at the surroundings as we got out of the car and I led her up the path to the falls.  I sat us down on a grass bank away from the main path so we wouldn't be disturbed.  I took Suzi's hand and looked at her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I realized that I now had Paul's undivided attention.  And knowing that, I had no idea about where to start.  I sat quietly, looking into his eyes, searching my heart for the right words to say.  Finally, after an eternity, I began, "I love you, Paul; I really do."

"But I was in trouble that night and you never realized it.  You didn't know how scared walking up that ramp made me; and then you turned me around and made me do it again.  I was so off-balance with that stupid rod up my back and my arms behind me and those huge evil dildos inside me.  It was a miracle that you didn't have to pick me up off that metal floor.  And you couldn't see my fear or hear it or anything.  And I wanted you to come and rescue me, but you were too busy playing with your toys."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I realize I fucked up big time the other night, Suzi."  I looked at her for a clue about how she was feeling.  Not a flicker.  "I don't want to lose you.  I cannot lose you.  Even though up to now we've based our relationship on bondage and sex I feel so much more for you.  If you never want another rope upon your body I will gladly go with that decision, as I love you.  It was only because I know of your need to be different from other ladies that I bought that gear.  I have a lot of stuff that is not so harsh and I know now we rushed it.  Please Suzi, give me a chance.  I haven't done much of this master/slave thing.  We need to grow; we need to learn together.  I know that most of the shit you read in the magazines says masters are always wise and slaves should suffer but as this is a relationship between two people who get hurt and have real feelings.  I shouldn't have pushed this too far.  I didn't want to hurt you this much."  I gripped her hand.

"Suzi, when I whipped you the other night I felt sick afterwards. But you looked so happy and responded so hot in bed afterwards.  It gets confusing for me."  I held her hand tightly and she looked at the falls and then back to me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Paul, I was confused last night, too.  I thought you'd turned against me to place me in such a terrible position.  I really thought that all you wanted was to cause me fear and pain.  I wasn't feeling any support from you.  It was as if the Paul I knew wasn't there at all."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I looked at the only girl in my life that meant something to me.  I'd hurt her and it hurt me.  S&M is assault by permission.  It is a harsh discipline to master.  While on exercise a few years ago in Norway I read in a local paper that a couple who were into bondage big style went to bed with the girl all strapped up in leather and rubber and during the night something went wrong and she suffocated.  He is still doing time for manslaughter.

"Look Suzi, we rushed it.  We both got into the flow of it and we thought it was the big item.  If you need to go away to reassess our relationship you can.  But I would love for you to stay and we will see how we develop this whole situation.  I'm sorry if I quit the program, but I guessed wrong on just how far we could go.  I misread your feelings for the bondage with me as wanting the whole experience.  Shit, I'm sorry but we are both on a rocky road.  Life has a big pothole and we are trying to ride down it on a unicycle.  Bondage and S&M are dodgy things at the best of times; but to us it is a total learning experience.  Stay and we will find the way to go and we both will hate what happened last night forever".

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was amazed by Paul's admission of messing up.  He really did feel bad about how awful last night turned out.  My desire for retribution was lessening.

"Uh, Paul, would you be willing to do something for me?  There's something I need to do, and I don't know how to do it.  It could be a bit embarrassing to you."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I paused and looked around, "What, here?"  I laughed.  I was wondering what the hell she wanted.  Hopefully it wasn't a ride to the airport.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"That's sort of the problem, Paul.  I'm in pain and I'm scared.  I need to get to a doctor – one who knows about these kinds of things.  One who won't make me feel dirty.  Do you think you could find a doctor like that to see me soon?  And can you take me there?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

'Okay, don't panic,' I thought to myself.  'You hurt her so you have to get her out of this mess.'  I pulled out my mobile phone and rang the local doctor.  She is ace.  I used her once when Sophia hurt herself.  She also is a vet but I decided not to tell Suzi that.  She needed to register as well so I walked her down to the car and helped her in as if she were a china doll.

I whipped through the streets of Hawes.  Suzi smiled and said, "It's all right, Paul, I'm not dying"

We pulled up outside the surgery.  "Do you want me to come in with you?"

She nodded but said, "Only as far as the reception area."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I signed in, filled out a medical questionnaire, then sat down gingerly and waited.  Finally, a nurse came and escorted me into an examination room.  I undressed and placed the paper dress on (with the opening in the front as ordered), and sat on the edge of the exam table and waited.  When I noticed the stirrups down at the side, I started to shiver.

Dr. Jones arrived and glanced at my answers to the questions on the form.  "So what can I do for you today, Suzi?" she asked cheerfully.

"I…uhhh…I need you to see if I'm okay.  I…ahhh…I did something to hurt myself…uhhh, you know, down there."

"So you want a gynie?"

"Yes."

She brought an older nurse into the room and together they positioned me on my back with my feet in the stirrups.  Dr. Jones warmed the speculum and lubricated it well.  As she inserted it, I cringed in pain.

I saw the doctor and her nurse exchange glances before continuing the examination.  She was very thorough.  And then she pushed me down even closer to the table edge and checked out my sore anus.  She seemed to know just where to look without asking me anything.

When she finished, she told me to get dressed and come to her office for a consultation.  The nurse waited and escorted me into a plush office.  Dr. Jones sat behind a big desk and tented her fingers.

"I am not going to ask you how you hurt yourself.  But I am going to advise you to never do that particular thing again.  Your tissues, especially the rectal tissues, have been stretched too far and are now swollen.  That is the reason for your pain.  I am going to give you an ointment to help ease the swelling and pain.  Also, I'm giving you some pain killers.  And third, are you on birth control?"

"Uh huh," was my grand response.

"Let me see your prescription, please."  I handed them over from my purse.  She gave me a new prescription for them, just in case I stayed in England for a while.  She also advised me to forgo sexual contact for a week, to allow the tissues to heal.  She made what could have been a totally embarrassing appointment into a calming, sensible meeting.  I was grateful.

Paul was waiting in the parking lot.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sitting and waiting was complete agony.  How was she?  Had I done damage that would last?  That was a huge worry.  I couldn't wait so I grabbed the forms for registering with the doctors and waited in the car.

I watched her walking stiffly down the steps to the car and tried to judge how bad the news was.  She seemed impressed by my holding her door open and helping her into the car.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I have good news and bad news, Paul.  Which do you want first?"  He didn't answer.

I continued, "The good news is that I'll heal up with some care.  The bad news is that we can't have sex for a week."

"Oh, and the doctor said that I should never again do what it was that caused the injuries.  That means no more metal dildos, okay?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The fact that she was okay was offset in my mind by the knowledge that I had caused all these problems.  And by the hope that she could forgive me my error of judgment.  I started the car and pulled out onto the road.  We stopped at the local Spar and bought some bread and things.  There was a silence between us I was too frightened to break in case I heard the words "I need to go home."

While we were on the last bit up the lane, Suzi grabbed my hand and looked at me and said, "We really do need to plan better when we play in the future, Paul.  And we need to make sure that there's always a way for me to give a safe word or sign.  And we need to set limits."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I said those words really quickly.  I wasn't even sure if he'd heard and understood them.  But I had to get then out before I lost my nerve.  I looked over at Paul as he drove.  Slowly, his white knuckles turned pink again, so I knew that the tension was finally lessening inside of him.

As he pulled up to the house and parked, I turned in my seat and looked straight at him.  "Paul, please look at me."

He slowly turned his head towards me.

"I need to say something that's really important."  He looked like he wanted to cry.  My heart was breaking from the pain that poured out of his body.

"Paul, I love you.  I'm not mad at you.  I could have refused when the first metal band was too tight.  But I didn't.  I bear as much blame as you – maybe even more.  After all, it's my body and I pushed it too far by allowing what I knew was wrong to happen."

Paul was looking at me with question-filled eyes.  I leaned over, hugged him to me, and kissed him tenderly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders; she still loved me.  It was a huge relief and I caught myself on the edge, which doesn't happen very often.  I hugged her in the hope she wouldn't see my weakness.  Smiling, I opened the car door and helped her out.  I let the dogs out and we went into the house .

"Right, as we can't do anything for a while, you can continue the tour of England.  Where do want to go?   Or do you want to go back to Amsterdam for a few days?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Well, first I would like to spend a day or so using the pills and ointment and letting my bruises heal.  I'll have more fun traveling when I feel better.  Is that okay with you?"

Paul took my hand and led me upstairs.  Once inside the bedroom, he tenderly stripped my baggy clothes off me and intently inspected the damage.  He opened the tube and gently rubbed the ointment into my bruises from the unyielding steel.

"Errr, Suzi, may I also rub the medicine into your pussy and arse?"

I thought about the possible consequences of letting him touch in that intimate place, but finally threw caution to the wind and nodded my agreement.  I carefully placed myself on the bed with my legs wide-spread.  As Paul carefully rubbed the ointment into my swollen tissues, I felt his erection growing against my leg; even though he was muttering under his breath about "those damn charlatans."

The ointment soothed the ache, and soon I was feeling the effects of Paul's hands on me.  "Uh, Paul?  Would you mind if I, ah, if I, well, can I give you some oral loving?"

The surprised look on Paul's face was delightful!  He readily agreed.  I asked him to stretch out on the bed.  I lay on my tummy, perpendicular to him, and began to tease him with my tongue.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To say that placing the cream on Suzi's intimate places was fun is an understatement.  I was shocked with myself as an erection arose from the depths and eased its way up the inside of Suzi's leg.  The dammed girl was not a shy maiden and the feeling as she slid her body along mine was glorious.  Her way of using her silky wet tongue was a feeling of sheer bliss.  I usually don't have a great deal of feeling there and rely on other senses, but her way of licking the whole stalk had me curling my toes and tightening my body.  Her nibbling along the root to the top also had effects that caused sensitivity to rise from below.  Looking down my body to view the pornographic image she presented did the business and soon the poor girl had a need to wash her hair.

I'd made up my mind to keep some of the steel toys but send the frame I had locked Suzi into back.  It obviously didn't fit correctly.  I decided that asking a slim Suzi to lose weight might get me kicked in the nuts, and I didn't like pain that much.  She seemed happier now and that was fine by me.

End of Chapter 13