Big Bang Theory
by Jennifer Harrison

It is a little known fact that the original pilot script for The Big Bang Theory was very different from what finally appeared on our screens ...

The Abduction Conundrum

Scene 1 – a smart restaurant. Leonard stands at the small bar, looking nervously around and glancing at his watch. He is wearing a corduroy jacket with leather elbow patches, blue jeans, brown shoes and a bow tie. There are two large glasses of white wine on the bar and he takes a sip from one of them. View shifts to Penny, standing at the door watching Leonard. She is wearing a short black dress, stockings and high heels, her hair is tied up. We hear her inner monologue.

PENNY: What the Hell am I doing here, about to go on a date with THIS guy? He is SO not my type – he's not any girl's type! He's got about as much sex appeal as an insurance clerk. But then, I haven't had a date in six months and it IS a free meal ... oh well, what's the worst that can happen?

She enters and goes over to Leonard with a broad smile. They greet each other, nervously giggling, but quickly fall into an awkward silence.

LEONARD: I took the liberty of ordering you a drink ...

Penny grabs the glass and drains it in one go, before putting it down on the bar a little too forcefully. She beams brightly at Leonard.

LEONARD (a little weakly): Another?

PENNY: Hell yes!

LEONARD: So ... Penny ... how's the acting going?

PENNY (taking a large gulp from her refilled glass): Oh, you know, a few auditions ...

LEONARD: Still waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory, huh?

PENNY: Well, it pays the rent, kinda, most months ...

Penny leans against the bar and puts her hand to her forehead, as if the wine is getting to her. She shakes her head and refocuses.

PENNY: Hey, isn't that your friend?

LEONARD (pretending he doesn't see Howard): Huh? Which one?

PENNY: You know, the geeky one

LEONARD: You'll have to be a little more specific!

PENNY: The one with the weird hair, makes inappropriate remarks, always undressing me with his eyes

LEONARD: Again, you just described most people I know!

PENNY (pointing): Over there!

LEONARD: Oh, hi Howard!

Howard smiles and waves, then comes over to them. Penny smiles at him, but then sways forward and puts her hand on his shoulder to steady herself. She shakes her head again and straightens up.

HOWARD: Good evening, Leonard, enchantι, mademoiselle! Fancy meeting you two here! I was just waiting for my, er, date

PENNY (struggling to stay upright): Really?! You have a date?!

LEONARD: Penny, you okay? You don't look so good.

PENNY: I don't feel so good, either.

HOWARD: Maybe we should just help you outside, for a breath of fresh air.

Penny puts her arm around Leonard's shoulders and he leads her towards the door. As she seems about to fall, Howard grabs her other arm and puts it over his own shoulders and between them they half-drag her out. Penny's head lolls onto her chest as she becomes unconscious. Leonard gives the waiter an apologetic smile and shrug as they go past him.

HOWARD (to waiter): Girl can't hold her wine! Such a slut, but what are you gonna do?

Leonard scowls at Howard. The waiter shakes his head in disapproval as they leave.

Scene 2 – close up on Penny's face as she gradually wakes up. Her hair is no longer tied up but falls around her face. As the camera pulls back, we see her bare arms on either side of her face, and as she looks up in puzzlement, we see her wrists are tied together and the rope is tied to an eyebolt in the ceiling. The camera pulls further back, and we see that her dress has been removed and she is standing wearing a strapless bra, skimpy panties which tie at the side, a suspender belt, sheer stockings and high heels, all black. Her legs are held apart by a spreader bar strapped to her ankles. She looks at her bonds uncomprehendingly, pulls on the rope and tugs against the spreader bar, struggling sexily but ineffectually. She looks around and then directly in front of her, and we see that she is in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, with Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj sitting in a line on garden chairs, staring at her.

LEONARD: Well, thanks for your help, guys, but I can take it from here

SHELDON: What are you talking about?

LEONARD: I'd like a little privacy, if that's okay with you?

SHELDON: Hmm, I don't think so, Leonard, are you forgetting the roommate agreement?


SHELDON: Page 23, section 47, sub-paragraph 1.1 – "If one roommate abducts or otherwise detains a woman against her will for 'nefarious' activities, the other roommate shall be allowed to participate in said 'nefarious' activities, fully and actively"

LEONARD: Really?! I gotta re-read that thing! But you guys can go (indicates Howard and Raj)

SHELDON: Sub-paragraph 1.2 – "Sub-paragraph 1.1 extends to all members of the group"

LEONARD: Oh you gotta be kidding me!

PENNY: Excuse me, but what the Hell is going on?

HOWARD: See, I TOLD you she'd have something to say about this!

LEONARD: Yeah, but she can't DO anything about it, can she?

PENNY: You think not? Just untie me and you'll see ...

Leonard stands up and walks over to Penny. He pulls a red ball gag from his pocket.

PENNY: You are in SO much trouble! Hey, what are you doing? Don't you dare-mpfhhh!!

Leonard stuffs the ball into her mouth and buckles it tight behind her head. Penny struggles and cries out into the gag, to no effect.

RAJ: You should have done that in the first place, dude

LEONARD: Nah, I've always wanted to cut a woman off in mid-sentence by stuffing a ball gag in her mouth! Especially when she's nagging me. Hey, I thought you couldn't talk when there was a woman around?

RAJ (shrugging): Doesn't seem to apply when the woman is bound and gagged

HOWARD: Good to know

SHELDON: So, how do we decide who does what to her and when?

LEONARD: What do you mean? And Sheldon, since when were you ever interested in sex?

SHELDON: Even Spock has to go through Pon Farr every seven years. I think I ‘ve reached that point where my animalistic nature cannot be denied any longer. It’s for the benefit of society, actually.

LEONARD: You think society needs more Sheldons?

SHELDON: No, but my hormones are distracting me from my quest to uncover the secrets of the universe, prove string theory is correct, and win the Nobel Prize!

LEONARD: Whatever! But surely I get her first?

SHELDON: Oh, I hardly think that's fair. I think we should draw lots

LEONARD: Excuse me, we have a semi-naked woman tied up in front of us and you're suggesting we play games?!

SHELDON: Why, certainly! Leonard, you'll soon learn that anticipation is so much better than consummation – and lasts so much longer!

HOWARD: Can we just get on with it?

Sheldon gets a pack of playing cards. Penny continues to struggle and cry out to no effect.

SHELDON: For the honor of removing her bra – 5-card stud or gin rummy?

LEONARD (exasperated): For the love of ... one card draw, highest wins!

Howard wins. He goes over to Penny with a broad grin, stands in front of her and reaches behind her to unhook her bra. After a time struggling, his confident grin turns to furious concentration as he peers over her shoulder and under her arm to see what he is doing. Eventually, he looks embarrassed and walks around behind her. Penny rolls her eyes. He finally releases the bra and removes it, revealing her pert breasts. He reaches around and cups them, tweaking her nipples until they are fully erect. Penny wriggles and makes noises which may not be entirely protests, but probably are. Howard closes his eyes, pushes his body against her back and sinks his teeth into her shoulder.

RAJ (enviously): Dude, let's get on with it, we all want a go!

SHELDON: Panties next!

Raj wins. He lets out a yelp of glee and goes over to Penny, stands in front of her, cups her face in his hands and kisses her lips stretched around the ball gag, then licks her cheeks, nose and eyes, making Penny squeal in protest. He runs his hands over her golden thighs, then over the material of her panties, feeling between her legs. He pulls the bows on either side and the panties slip off. He brings the material up to his face and sniffs it. Penny looks horrified.

RAJ: She's already wet down there!

HOWARD: What a dirty girl!

Raj rubs between her thighs, before easing two fingers up inside her. Penny lets out something between a scream and a sigh. Her hips sway as she moves herself up and down on Raj's fingers.

LEONARD (urgently): Cmon, let's go!

SHELDON: Okay, whoever wins this time gets to 'deflower' her!

LEONARD: Are you kidding? What are we, knights of the round table doing Queen Guinevere?

SHELDON: Whatever turns you on, Leonard!

Leonard wins. He whoops and goes over to Penny. They look into each other's eyes, him nervously, her in fear. He drops his pants and they both look down at the tent pole in his boxers, which he then pulls down to reveal a rock-hard erection. Penny shakes her head and mumbles in protest. Leonard picks her up by her thighs and drops her onto his cock, bringing another muffled scream from her. He bounces her up and down while he grunts and she moans. After a couple of minutes, Leonard finishes, drops her back on the floor and staggers back to his seat. Penny looks hot and flustered, and hangs limply, her head bowed.

SHELDON: Let's go again

RAJ: Hey, Leonard doesn't get another go, does he?

HOWARD: No fair!

LEONARD: That's okay, guys, I'll sit this next one out

Penny raises her head with a look of horror and disbelief as she watches the cards being dealt again.

Scene 3 - Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, later that night. It is dark. Raj lies curled up on the sofa naked; Howard is sprawled on the floor in boxers; Leonard is sprawled in a chair; all are asleep. Penny is draped across the round table, naked. Her arms and legs are tied to the table legs and her head is hanging over the edge of the table. Her body is shiny with sweat and other bodily secretions, and there are faint red marks, maybe rope burns or possibly whip marks, its too dark to tell.

Sheldon enters from the bedroom area. He is wearing tighty whities, and it is obvious he has an erection. He goes over to the table and looks down at Penny's sleeping face with an expression of impatience. He leans down to her.

SHELDON: Penny! (he slaps her cheek three times) Penny! (slap, slap, slap) Penny!

PENNY (sleepily): Whu-wha-what?

SHELDON: Hi Penny, how are you?

PENNY: What the fuck do you want, Sheldon?

SHELDON: Well, you know earlier, when I said I was totally exhausted?

PENNY: Uh-huh

SHELDON: I'm afraid something's come up ... again

PENNY: For God's sake, Sheldon, I'm worn out, I can't take any-gurrk!

Penny is cut off as Sheldon thrusts his cock into her mouth. We watch him rhythmically moving back or forth with a smile on his face, while Penny makes gagging noises below. As his level of excitement grows, he grabs at her breasts in front of him.

SHELDON: Penny! (he slaps her pussy three times) Penny! (slap, slap, slap) Penny! (slap, slap, slap) Oh, Penny! You know the old lies – "I'll always love you", "the check's in the mail", "I promise I won't cum in your mouth"?

Sheldon pulls a face and grunts, while Penny makes choking noises.

SHELDON: I find they're so true, don't you?

Sheldon wanders out of shot, and we hear Penny coughing and spluttering.

Scene 4 – Leonard's bedroom, still later that night. We see Penny staring into the camera, her head pressed against the sheets and moving rhythmically back and forth. Her face is criss-crossed by the leather straps of a head harness and a rubber bit is between her teeth. Saliva hangs from her mouth onto the sheet in front of her. The camera pulls back and we see her arms are encased in a leather arm binder behind her back. Behind her is Leonard, thrusting into her from behind, we can't tell which hole. He has a thoughtful look on his face as he works away.

LEONARD: You know, Penny, I think you're going to enjoy being our sex slave. Maybe not at first, with the sex and all, but we'll get tired of it when the novelty wears off. I got lots of great ideas of cool stuff for you to wear, and you can live here rent-free! That'll save you a bundle, you won't have to work at the Cheesecake Factory any more. And I'm sure we can get you into the movies – porn movies, obviously, but that's just the start!

Leonard pulls a face and grunts, while Penny's eyes widen.

Scene 5 – Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, the next day. Leonard and Sheldon are sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Leonard is dressed as Luke Skywalker and Sheldon as Darth Vader, both holding light sabres. The Star Wars theme comes from the TV.

SHELDON: Return of the Jedi was always my favorite

LEONARD: Mine too! What do you think, Penny?

We see Penny kneeling in front of them holding a tub of popcorn, dressed as Princess Leia in a slave costume, complete with heavy iron chain. She smiles sourly a them, but bows low and offers the popcorn to them.


The Augmentation Experimentation

The story so far: Penny has been taken as a slave by Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj.

Scene 1 – the Cheesecake Factory. Penny is in her uniform and is taking the order for a couple. She smiles and leaves the table. Bernadette meets her on the way to the kitchen.

BERNADETTE: Hi Penny, how're you doing?

PENNY (smiling bravely): Hi, Bernadette, not too bad.

Bernadette touches one of the leather cuffs which Penny is wearing on both wrists and ankles. Penny pulls her arm away and hides it behind her back.

BERNADETTE: I like your funky bracelets, are those in fashion now?

PENNY (weakly): Oh yeah, they're at the cutting edge, all the rage in New York, London, Paris, Guantanamo ...

BERNADETTE: Maybe I should get some. I like your choker too, what's it made of?

PENNY (fingering her collar): Steel; it's steel; nice, shiny… unbreakable steel ...

BERNADETTE: Did Leonard give it to you?

PENNY: Yeah, kinda like a friendship bracelet – friends forever ... or something like that. I wear it all the time – not because I have to, you understand, not because its spot-welded so I can't get the damn thing off, but as a sign of our ... "love".

BERNADETTE: What's that writing on it? Does it say 'SLAVE'??

PENNY: Yeah ... (inspired) as in 'SLAVE to love', you know?

BERNADETTE: Oh, how romantic! I wish Howard would give me something like that!

PENNY: Be careful what you wish for, honey, you might get more than you bargain for.

BERNADETTE: Are you okay, Penny? You seem a little down.

PENNY (brightly): I'm fine, just ... fine.

BERNADETTE: Why don't we have a girl's night out tonight to cheer you up?

PENNY: Sorry, Bernadette, I'm tied up tonight (quietly) or chained up ...

BERNADETTE: How about tomorrow night?

PENNY: Sorry, Bernadette, but Leonard's keeping me on a REALLY tight leash at the moment (quietly) literally! (normally) The boys want me to help them redecorate their apartment. I'll have to get back to you on that.

BERNADETTE: Those boys treat you like their own pet slave sometimes!

PENNY (quietly): Ain' that the truth!

MANAGER (angrily): Penny! Any danger of you serving any CUSTOMERS tonight?! Or do we need to go to my office to discuss your punishment?

PENNY (hurrying away): No, sir! Yes, sir! Right away, sir! (to herself) Jeez, everyone wants to order me around and punish me at the moment. I'd be better off as a plantation slave!

Scene 2 – the stairs to the apartment, later that night. Penny, still in her uniform, climbs wearily up to her floor, then turns to her apartment. She stands in front of the door, searching through her bag for the key. The door opens and a fat, hairy man in a vest, chewing gum, appears.

MAN: Yeah? Whaddaya want?

PENNY (confused): Oh, er, excuse me, I used to live here and I got confused.

MAN: Oh right, you're the girl who lives across the hall with the geeks, I remember.

He leers at Penny and stares at her breasts. Penny smiles uncomfortably.

PENNY: Sorry to disturb you, I'll be –

MAN: You left some stuff here, you should take it

PENNY: Did I? I don't remember, and the boys actually did most of the moving, I was ... unavoidably detained. But I'm really tired tonight, maybe another time –

The man grabs her by the arm and drags her into the apartment, pushing her across the room.

PENNY: – or now is fine, if it’s good for you, whatever.

MAN: You left these magazines.

He points to a pile of magazines on the coffee table. Penny looks through them.

PENNY: "Knotty Problems"? "Bound to Please"? "Damsels in Undress"? I don't think these are mine ...

MAN: There's other stuff ... (advancing) in the bedroom ...

PENNY (backing off): Now hold on, mister ...

The man grabs Penny and throws her down on the couch. He pulls a length of rope from behind a cushion and wraps it around her body, pinning her arms, then cleave-gags her with a cloth. He drags her, kicking and muffled screaming, into the bedroom. FADE.

Scene 3 – the apartment hallway, still later that night. Penny stumbles out of her old apartment, her hair in disarray, her blouse open and pulled off one shoulder exposing her breast as she is wearing no bra. Her skirt is in her hand, leaving her naked from the waist down. She pulls her blouse onto her shoulder and does up one button, then finds all the others have been ripped off. She puts on her skirt and staggers across the hall. She tries the door to the boys' apartment, but it is locked, so she knocks. The door opens a crack and Leonard peers out.

PENNY: Hi, Leonard, it’s me. Can you let me in, please?

LEONARD: Hi, Penny. I'd love to, but you know I'm not allowed to unless you comply with Sheldon's new roommate agreement.

PENNY: Oh come on, Leonard, don't make me say it!

LEONARD: I'm sorry, Penny, its more than my life's worth.

PENNY (sighs, reciting): "Oh, Master, please grant me entrance so I can serve as your slave"!

Leonard (smiling): Granted, slave.

Penny goes in. Leonard sits down on the couch, while Penny kneels on the floor, rubbing the tension out of her neck.

LEONARD: So, how was your day?

PENNY: You mean, apart from getting tied up and raped by the guy across the hall?

LEONARD: You mean Henry? He seems quite a nice guy.

PENNY: Yeah, right! He's a pervert! He had me roped up like a steer! I haven't seen that much rope since I watched 'Mutiny on the Bounty'.

LEONARD: Still, he's got some awesome magazines... how was work?

PENNY: Great, right up to the point I got fired.

LEONARD: You got fired? How come?

PENNY: Well, mainly because you didn't allow me to wear any underwear today.

LEONARD: Really? They didn't like that? How did they know?

PENNY: The manager spends most of his time staring at my breasts, so it didn't take him long to figure out I wasn't wearing a bra. But he still insisted on groping me to check, before giving me a final warning.

LEONARD: And the panties?

PENNY: Let's see, that would be when that kid tripped me up and I went flying, with my skirt up over my head!

LEONARD: Ah. A bit embarrassing, huh?

PENNY: Well, the mom holding the birthday party for her 8 year old boy and his twenty chums sure thought so!

LEONARD: Wow, lucky boys! Pity their friends won't believe them.

PENNY: Leonard, they all had camera phones! I'll be all over Facebook by now!

LEONARD: Oops! So he fired you on the spot, did he?

PENNY: Not before he'd taken me into his office and got his own photographs of me with my skirt up as "evidence"!

LEONARD: Well, never mind, I have some good news for you. We got you another job!

PENNY (suspiciously): Where?

LEONARD: It’s in the entertainment industry ...

PENNY (more suspiciously): Where?

LEONARD (reluctantly): Raymond's Lap Dancing Club and Titty Bar

PENNY (looking at the ceiling): Great!

LEONARD (enthusiastically): You get a uniform.

Leonard holds up a silver thong with sequins.

PENNY (horrified): Is that it?!

LEONARD: Of course not, that would be ridiculous!

Leonard holds up a pair of silver platform stilettos by the ankle straps.

LEONARD: I think you should try it on.

PENNY (sarcastically): What, to see if it fits?

Leonard insists and reluctantly, she strips off and puts on the thong and shoes. As she poses for Leonard, Sheldon comes in from the bedrooms and watches as Penny spreads her legs and bends to touch her toes, wiggling her ass an inch from Leonard's nose.

PENNY (to Leonard, sarcastically): Your wish is my command, Master.

SHELDON: I can't believe you ever doubted Penny's acting ability, Leonard!

PENNY (between her legs): Oh, hi, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Hello, Penny. Aren't you forgetting something?

PENNY (straightening up): I don't know, am I?

SHELDON: I think you're forgetting the roommate agreement, addendum 1, "Sex Slaves and their Conduct"?

PENNY: I think you're gonna have to spell it out for me, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Paragraph 1 sub-paragraph 1, point 1 – "The slave will AT ALL TIMES address the roommates as 'Master'"

PENNY (sarcastically): Sorry, "Master" Sheldon!

SHELDON: Penny, even I could hear the sarcasm in your voice (looks uncertainly at Leonard for confirmation). Go and get the riding crop from my room!

PENNY (pleading): Oh, please don't punish me, I won't do it again, I promise!

SHELDON: You just did! Go now, Penny, I won't ask again!

PENNY (pleading): Oh, help me, Leonard!

LEONARD: Sorry, Penny, I think you saying that means I have to punish you too.

Penny looks between them, desperately hoping for mercy, but they look very serious. She totters out, then comes back carrying the crop. She holds it out and Sheldon takes it. Penny bends over.

SHELDON: I think 6 strokes will be sufficient, 3 each, what do you think?

PENNY (between her legs): That seems very harsh, Master!

SHELDON: I was talking to Leonard!

LEONARD: Sounds good to me. And I think before each stroke you should tell us why you are being punished, and thank us after.

PENNY (whining): Please, Master Leonard, Master Sheldon, have mercy!

SHELDON: You'd better start soon or it goes to 9 strokes, then 12 ...

PENNY (whining): I am being punished because I didn't show my "Masters" respect! (crop hits her buttocks) Ow! Thank you, Master! I am being punished because I'm being held against my will by – Ow! Thank you, Master! I am being punished because my "Masters" are a couple of complete b-Ow! Thank you, Master!

Leonard and Sheldon take it in turns to hit Penny, who cries and squirms. FADE.

Scene 4 – the apartment, still later that night. Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj are sitting at the table. Sheldon has a sheaf of papers in front of him. Penny is lying on the floor beside them, naked and in a severe hogtie including having her head snapped back by a head harness gag which is tied to her ankles. She is wearing 3D virtual reality goggles and earphones attached to a small device lying between her shoulder blades; wires also run from this to her ass and pussy.

SHELDON: The fourteenth meeting of the Slave Management Committee is called to order, Sheldon Cooper in the chair. First item on the Agenda is –

LEONARD: Point of order, Mr. Chairman – who made you Mr. Chairman?

SHELDON: You will have to wait until Any Other Business to raise your point of order, Leonard. Now, to get to the Agenda –

RAJ: What's happening with Penny?

SHELDON (annoyed): If you will JUST look at the Agenda! (hands around pieces of paper) Item 1: Training. Leonard is subjecting Penny to a form of mind control, based on his hypothesis that Penny has a mind, so it should be possible to control it. Personally, I think the hypothesis is flawed. Leonard?

LEONARD: I thought I'd try something simple to start with. I'm training her to associate a particular piece of music with sexual gratification, by making her cum ever time the music plays. (looks down at Penny) And it looks like she's just coming up for another one right now.

Penny starts to whimper into her gag and her body shudders and rocks gently from side to side. After thirty seconds, her body relaxes again and she seems to slump slightly in her bondage.

RAJ: What music are you using?

LEONARD: Kings of Leon, Sex on Fire.

RAJ: Cool!

LEONARD: The idea is she'll then orgasm whenever she hears the music. Once the principle has been proved, we can move on to more complex behavior modification.

SHELDON: Moving on! Item 2: Revenue. I'd like to read into the minutes our thanks to Howard for getting Penny the job at Raymond's Lap Dancing Club and Titty Bar.

HOWARD (modestly): I'm their best customer, they value my input. I just suggested they needed to get some fresh meat.

SHELDON: I have produced the following revenue projections (hands around more pieces of paper) As you can see, if we have her work four nights a week for five hours a night, her base wage plus tips will cover the costs of her training and still provide a reasonable return on investment.

RAJ: Won't she be too tired to provide us with ... executive relief?

SHELDON: She will be spending most of the day while we’re at work sleeping. I have already placed an order for a small animal cage so we can confine her while we're out at work – we don't want her messing up the apartment or trying to escape. Now, after exhaustive, and exhausting, research at this and similar night spots around the city, I have done some statistical analysis (hands around yet more pieces of paper) and, as you can see on this graph, I have found that there is a direct and statistically significant correlation between earnings and breast size.

LEONARD: (after studying the paper): The bigger the tits, the bigger the tips?

SHELDON: A rather crude summary, but accurate.

LEONARD: Are you suggesting we give her a boob job?

SHELDON (annoyed): Again, a rather crude characterisation of the proposal I was about to put to the committee, but essentially you have captured the essence of it. Well done.

LEONARD: But breast surgery will cost thousands of dollars and it will take Penny several weeks to recover. Doesn't that make a mess of your revenue projections?

SHELDON: Which is why I would like the committee to consider an alternative proposal from Mr. Wolowitz. Howard?

HOWARD (enthusiastically): Well, I was working on this special substance for the International Space Station – basically a type of expanding foam which could be used to instantly repair breaches to the hull caused by micro-meteorite strikes. When they took a very short sighted decision following some early setbacks –

LEONARD: What went wrong?

HOWARD: There was a slight miscalculation on volume and expansion rates ... basically the foam filled the entire living quarters. Anyway, I kept working on it and I've 'medicallised' it.

LEONARD: What are you suggesting? We use it to give Penny a breast enlargement?

HOWARD: Basically, yes! It's cheap, quick and pretty painless.

LEONARD: Let me get this straight – you're saying we should take a totally untried substance which has already been rejected by NASA and use it in a highly dubious, if not downright illegal, procedure on Penny, risking her health and, to be crudely commercial about this, our future income?

HOWARD: Pretty much! But you're wrong about it being untested.

LEONARD: Who in God's name would let you test this on them?!

HOWARD: Like all great pioneering scientists, in the face of public ignorance and prejudice, I was forced to experiment on myself.

Howard stands up and drops his pants. We see his bare buttocks and the three faces staring at his groin with expressions which are a mixture of SHOCK and AWE. As Howard sways from side to side, their heads turn in unison, as if following the trajectory of a swinging pendulum.

LEONARD: Oh my God!

RAJ: Holy Shiva, destroyer of worlds!

SHELDON: By the Power of Greyskull! It's monstrous!

HOWARD (smugly): I thank you!

SHELDON: It wasn't a compliment.

LEONARD: When did you do that?

HOWARD: Last night.

RAJ: We'll have to call you Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-your-daughters!

LEONARD: Or Dr. Frankenstein and his monster!

SHELDON: Oh I don't think so – Howard doesn't have a Ph.D, so we can't call him Doctor anything!

RAJ: Sheldon, it was a joke!

SHELDON: Really? I hardly think misrepresenting someone's academic standing is a source of amusement and frivolity.

LEONARD: Any ... side effects?

HOWARD: Well, I get a little light headed when I get an erection, lack of blood to the brain you understand ...

LEONARD: I get the picture! I wish I hadn't – that'll be haunting my dreams for a while! We can't seriously be considering this, surely.

SHELDON: I think we should.

RAJ (smiling proudly): And don't call me Shirley!

SHELDON: What? Never mind. Let's put it to the vote. All those in favour of Howard's ground-breaking and innovative, not to say cost-effective, proposal (Sheldon, Howard and Raj put their hands up) All those in favour of Ned Ludd and his followers, who wish to hold back the progress of science due to rank ignorance and stupidity (Leonard puts his hand up) Motion carried. Leonard, could you record that in the minutes, please?

LEONARD: Why me?

SHELDON: I'd refer you to the minutes of Meeting 1 of the committee when you were elected secretary, but you still haven't produced the minutes.

LEONARD: Good grief!

RAJ: Can we get on? I need some executive relief right now and if we don't hurry up, Penny's going to be all worn out!

They look down at Penny as she whimpers and shudders to another climax.

Scene 5 – Leonard's bedroom, still later that night. Penny is strapped down on the bed, naked and gagged. Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj are standing over her in medical face masks. Howard picks up a wipe from a kidney bowl and lifts each of Penny's breasts, swabbing them, while Penny struggles and screams into her gag. He then picks up a hypodermic syringe and injects some of the liquid into each breast. Everyone stares expectantly at Penny's chest, including Penny.

LEONARD: Nothing's happening.

HOWARD: Don't rush it, these things take a little time. (anxiously) Come on, come on ...

Slowly, Penny's breasts start to swell, until they reach Jayne Mansfield proportions. Howard high fives Leonard and Raj. He goes to Sheldon with his arm up, but Sheldon backs away, his hands behind his back. Penny looks down in horror. Sheldon leans over her and examines her breasts in close detail.

SHELDON: Call me Mr. Picky but, shouldn't they be the same size?

Howard joins Sheldon and also leans over her and pokes at her breasts. Penny protests into the gag.

HOWARD: No problem, I'll just inject a little bit more into the left one ...

They watch as Penny's left breast expands well beyond the size of the right one. Howard smiles in embarrassment and injects the right breast. Now Penny's right breast expands well beyond the size of the left one.

LEONARD: I've got a bad feeling about this ...

Scene 6 – the apartment, still later that night. Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj are standing staring at Penny, who is sitting at the table with her breasts resting on the table, covering most of it.

RAJ: We're going to need a bigger boat!

PENNY: Any of you Brainiacs – sorry, I meant (sarcastically making air quotes) ‘Masters of the Universe’! – got any more bright ideas?

LEONARD: Howard?

HOWARD: You said 'The bigger the better'?

SHELDON: This is way off the scale of my statistical analysis. I'm not sure anyone would want to see breasts that big.

RAJ: I think they're pretty sexy.

LEONARD: So there we have our target audience – a crazed Indian nerd with a breast fetish! Howard, did you happen to develop a way of reversing this?

HOWARD: Why would I do that? Anyway, it isn't that bad, at least they're the same size ...

PENNY: Howard! – I mean (sarcastically) Master – I can't even walk with these things stuck out in front of me like Goodyear blimps! And I've got the turning circle of an oil tanker!

SHELDON: I suggest we all start work on an antidote immediately, otherwise our whole investment in Penny is at severe risk.

PENNY(sarcastically): Gee, thanks for your concern, Master!

SHELDON: Is she being sarcastic? I think she's being sarcastic, do you think she's being sarcastic?

LEONARD(sarcastically): I'm sure she's totally sincere

SHELDON: Oh. OK. Let's get started.

Scene 6 – Raymond's Lap Dancing Club and Titty Bar. Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj are standing watching Penny, who is on stage in her 'uniform', apparently fucking the pole in front of her as the crowd go wild. Her breasts are back to normal size. The song Sex on Fire is playing.

LEONARD: Lucky that stuff degraded naturally after 48 hours.

HOWARD (looking down glumly): I never even got to try it out! Well, not on a real woman, anyway!

LEONARD: If you had, I think you'd be on a murder charge right now.

HOWARD: Still, what a way to go!

LEONARD: You're all heart!

RAJ: Guys! Pipe down, the shows reaching a climax!

On stage, Penny is clearly reaching a climax. As the music reaches a crescendo, money is thrown at her and men reach up to stuff bills in her thong. She cums and collapses onto the stage, exhausted. The music finishes. Sheldon goes to the DJ and says something. Sex on Fire starts again. Penny drags herself wearily to her feet and starts grinding against the pole again, as the crowd cheers.


The End

Copyright© 2013 by Jennifer Harrison. All rights reserved.